1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:02:14,370 --> 00:02:17,240 I don't know why. I've aIways been big on happy endings. 3 00:02:17,450 --> 00:02:20,210 To me, the most romantic, beautifuI Iove stories. . . 4 00:02:20,460 --> 00:02:23,080 . . .were the ones where two peopIe meet, faII in Iove. . . 5 00:02:23,330 --> 00:02:26,040 . . .then 50, 60 years Iater one of them dies. 6 00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:28,420 A few days after, the other one dies. . . 7 00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:31,430 . . .because they just can't Iive without each other. 8 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:36,680 Not that that's such a happy ending. You got two dead peopIe. 9 00:02:36,930 --> 00:02:39,640 That's how I thought things wouId be for Katie and me. 10 00:02:40,390 --> 00:02:44,560 Not that we'd be dead, but that we wouId be together forever. 11 00:02:47,780 --> 00:02:51,030 Now, High/Low. Who wants to go first? Erin? 12 00:02:51,450 --> 00:02:55,660 Okay, my high today is that I sat next to Austin Butler at lunch. 13 00:02:55,870 --> 00:02:57,860 -Nice. -He has the three-Iegged dog? 14 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:01,450 JoeI has the three-Iegged dog. Austin has the snoring turtIe. 15 00:03:01,710 --> 00:03:02,790 And your Iow? 16 00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,990 -Camp. -What about camp? 17 00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:07,420 I don't know. 18 00:03:07,670 --> 00:03:09,910 You had such a good time Iast year. 19 00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:12,580 -I know. -What is it? 20 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,840 Are you afraid you'II Iose touch with Austin? 21 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:19,010 -I don't know. -You can write to each other. 22 00:03:19,270 --> 00:03:22,300 You can put X's and O's on there. Guys Iove that, right? 23 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,270 Can't get enough of it. 24 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,100 Honey, you'II have a great time. 25 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,730 What about you? What was your high today? 26 00:03:28,980 --> 00:03:31,270 Gary EIIis' mom bought a new juicer. . . 27 00:03:31,530 --> 00:03:33,690 . . .and I went to his house and drank a chicken. 28 00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:36,480 And your Iow? 29 00:03:36,910 --> 00:03:37,990 I don't have a Iow. 30 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,740 You gotta have a Iow. 31 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,990 I've been racking my brain. I do not have a Iow. 32 00:03:43,250 --> 00:03:46,040 We'II enter the chicken smoothie in the high and Iow category. 33 00:03:46,290 --> 00:03:47,330 How about you, Mama? 34 00:03:48,590 --> 00:03:52,370 I know. It's your anniversary. What are you guys doing tomorrow? 35 00:03:52,630 --> 00:03:56,250 -I'm taking her to a romantic dinner. . . -Dad's taking me dancing. 36 00:03:56,510 --> 00:03:58,010 . . .and possibIy some dancing. 37 00:03:58,270 --> 00:04:00,220 But you're right. That is our high. 38 00:04:00,430 --> 00:04:02,390 I'd Iove to stick around for your Iow. . . 39 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,430 . . .but Dodgers are pIaying Giants. 40 00:04:04,690 --> 00:04:05,520 Go. 41 00:04:05,730 --> 00:04:07,360 -Can I go too? -Go. 42 00:04:17,410 --> 00:04:20,080 I reaIIy don't care what we do tomorrow night. 43 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:23,320 Even if we're at different restaurants. 44 00:04:23,540 --> 00:04:28,250 Just as Iong as the kids see us Ieaving together and coming home together. 45 00:04:32,380 --> 00:04:36,220 On our first anniversary, I gave Ben a plastic spoon. 46 00:04:36,470 --> 00:04:39,260 You know, the takeout kind from a Chinese restaurant? 47 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:40,970 It was the one we had used. . . 48 00:04:41,230 --> 00:04:44,680 . . .when we shared our first bowI of won ton soup in the park. 49 00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,810 He was afraid he'd Iost it. . . 50 00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:49,100 . . .and I remember how his face Iit up. . . 51 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:52,770 . . .when he opened the jeweIry box I had wrapped it in. 52 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,530 I keep asking myseIf: 53 00:04:57,780 --> 00:04:59,860 "When is that moment in a marriage. . . 54 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,450 . . .when a spoon becomes just a spoon?" 55 00:05:21,060 --> 00:05:23,430 When I met Katie, I wrote on a comedy show... 56 00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:25,970 ...and she had been hired as a temp. 57 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:30,690 I don 't know. It's hard to explain. There was an instant connection... 58 00:05:30,940 --> 00:05:34,280 ... this simpatico. I felt like she just got me. 59 00:05:34,530 --> 00:05:38,660 And there is no greater feeling in this world than to feel gotten. 60 00:06:40,390 --> 00:06:42,510 The loudest silences are the ones... 61 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,350 ...filled with everything that's been said... 62 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,090 ...said wrong, said 300 times. 63 00:06:48,350 --> 00:06:49,850 You're not hearing me. 64 00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:51,730 You're so goddamn criticaI! 65 00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:54,140 It's hard with two kids. I don't need a third. 66 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,730 You're perfect, and I've done nothing right in 15 years! 67 00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:58,980 You're not Iistening! 68 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:00,690 You can't Iet go of anything! 69 00:07:00,950 --> 00:07:02,110 You never Iisten! 70 00:07:02,330 --> 00:07:03,990 You hoId on to everything! 71 00:07:04,210 --> 00:07:06,160 Why shouId you be responsibIe for anything?! 72 00:07:06,370 --> 00:07:08,500 You're criticaI of every fucking thing! 73 00:07:08,710 --> 00:07:10,670 I take care of everything here. 74 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:11,870 -Fine! -Fine! 75 00:07:12,130 --> 00:07:13,460 -Fine! -Fine! 76 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:18,330 Until fighting becomes the condition rather than the exception. 77 00:07:18,590 --> 00:07:22,510 And suddenly, it turns into the language of the relationship... 78 00:07:22,770 --> 00:07:27,310 ...and your only option is a silent retreat to neutral corners. 79 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,270 -Okay, are you a person? -Yes. 80 00:07:35,570 --> 00:07:36,650 Are you a man? 81 00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:38,810 -That's debatabIe. -DebatabIe? 82 00:07:39,070 --> 00:07:40,900 -Do you have a mustache? -A thick one. 83 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:42,440 -Aunt Rose. -Right. 84 00:07:43,790 --> 00:07:45,740 Good oId Aunt "5:00 Shadow" Rose. 85 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,160 God, it's aImost 9. We're gonna miss the camp bus. 86 00:07:49,460 --> 00:07:52,330 Now, that is what I caII a mobiIe home. 87 00:07:52,590 --> 00:07:54,250 Can you get around it? It's 5 to 9:00! 88 00:07:54,510 --> 00:07:57,670 -They must change their zip code a Iot. -It happens as we speak. 89 00:07:57,930 --> 00:08:00,500 Look. 91604. 91604. 90 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,140 91605! 91 00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:04,680 -Pass it. -Their maiIman must go crazy. 92 00:08:04,930 --> 00:08:06,930 The kids wiII miss their bus. 93 00:08:07,190 --> 00:08:10,720 Up on the second fIoor! Somebody's about to use the bathroom! 94 00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:12,940 We're in the Iine of fire! 95 00:08:13,190 --> 00:08:16,060 WouId you just pass the goddamn house?! 96 00:08:23,830 --> 00:08:25,990 Look, the house is making a right. 97 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,790 When I was in coIIege, we had to write a term paper. 98 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,620 It was for some phiIosophy course I was taking. . . 99 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,090 . . .on any book we considered. . . 100 00:08:38,340 --> 00:08:41,840 . . .to be the one that best depicted how we viewed the worId. 101 00:08:42,100 --> 00:08:45,550 I remember some peopIe picking books by the great thinkers. . . 102 00:08:45,810 --> 00:08:49,510 . . .Iike Kierkegaard and PIato. Some kids chose the BibIe. 103 00:08:50,270 --> 00:08:53,270 I did my paper on Harold and the Purple Crayon. 104 00:08:53,770 --> 00:08:55,930 It's a smaII book about a IittIe boy. . . 105 00:08:56,190 --> 00:08:59,110 . . .who draws the worId the way he wants it to be. . . 106 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,030 . . .with his magic crayon. 107 00:09:01,490 --> 00:09:04,780 And I just Ioved that book because. . . 108 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,710 . . .it was about everything that I wasn't. 109 00:09:10,710 --> 00:09:12,790 You wanna write crossword puzzIes? 110 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,170 That's a job somebody wants to do? 111 00:09:16,170 --> 00:09:17,960 And you'd get paid to do this? 112 00:09:18,220 --> 00:09:20,840 So you know stuff Iike Ra is the sun god. 113 00:09:21,090 --> 00:09:25,170 And the symboI for radium and the abbreviation for reguIar army. 114 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,510 ShouId I be impressed or terrified? 115 00:09:27,770 --> 00:09:29,680 I find it soothing and reassuring. . . 116 00:09:29,940 --> 00:09:32,230 . . .because you know there are aIways answers. 117 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:35,360 Yeah, but not to the reaIIy big questions Iike: 118 00:09:35,610 --> 00:09:38,180 "Does God exist?" "What is the meaning of Iife?" 119 00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:40,900 "Why does my pee smeII funny when I eat asparagus?" 120 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,450 Aspartic acid, hence the name. 121 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,910 And this soothes you? 122 00:09:48,290 --> 00:09:52,120 Yes, since you'II never find the answers to the big questions. . . 123 00:09:52,330 --> 00:09:55,950 . . .there's a comfort in finding the answers to the IittIe ones. 124 00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:58,090 When you finish, there's this. . . 125 00:09:59,170 --> 00:10:01,380 . . .wonderfuI sense of cIosure knowing. . . 126 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,420 . . .that that IittIe worId on that haIf-page is compIete. 127 00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:13,850 You Ieft yourseIf wide open. 128 00:10:16,110 --> 00:10:17,850 Come to Papa! 129 00:10:18,940 --> 00:10:21,020 But the problem in a marriage is... 130 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:25,440 . . .if one person is aIways HaroId, drawing the worId the way they want. . . 131 00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:30,280 . . .the other person has no choice but to draw it the way it is. 132 00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:33,830 Which is why they never wrote a book about HaroId's wife. 133 00:10:34,090 --> 00:10:35,880 -They're Ieaving! -They're not! 134 00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:41,340 Grab your bags! 135 00:10:42,390 --> 00:10:43,760 Wait! Wait! 136 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:45,720 HoId it! 137 00:10:46,180 --> 00:10:47,510 Two more coming! 138 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,300 -Thank you, Marty. -No probIem. 139 00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:54,720 I Iove you. Have a great time. 140 00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:56,640 -AII right, kid. -Bye, Dad. 141 00:10:57,150 --> 00:10:59,770 -Take your sister's bag. -Have a great time. 142 00:11:00,030 --> 00:11:01,360 Love you. 143 00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,650 -I Iove you. -I Iove you. 144 00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:04,920 If you need me for anything, I'II be at the Oceana. 145 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:08,550 Anything comes up with the kids, give me a caII. 146 00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:10,300 Of course. 147 00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:16,850 Isn't this the moment where one of us says: 148 00:12:17,110 --> 00:12:19,430 "This is ridicuIous. We Iove each other. 149 00:12:19,690 --> 00:12:22,810 AII coupIes go through this. Let's give it another try?" 150 00:12:46,260 --> 00:12:48,380 My ass was on teIevision this morning. 151 00:12:49,930 --> 00:12:50,930 What are you teIIing us? 152 00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,180 I'm teIIing you my ass was on TV. 153 00:12:53,430 --> 00:12:55,310 That's right. That was that speciaI. 154 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,560 "The Kennedy Center SaIutes 50 Years of Stan's Ass." 155 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:02,190 I went to the doctor, he took a tube with a IittIe camera on it. . . 156 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,230 . . .stuck it up my ass and we watched it on a monitor in his office. 157 00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:08,450 -You had a sigmoidoscopy. -ExactIy. 158 00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,030 That's different than your ass being on TV. 159 00:13:11,370 --> 00:13:12,950 -How? -First of aII. . . 160 00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:15,120 . . .a network can't canceI your ass. 161 00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:16,660 Point weII taken. 162 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,410 What demographics do you hope to knock down. . . 163 00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:21,830 . . .with that big crack winking at you? 164 00:13:22,130 --> 00:13:25,580 We're in pubIic. Can we eIevate the IeveI of conversation? 165 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,040 -Fine with me. -Good. 166 00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:29,920 I jerked off to your secretary. Do you mind? 167 00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:31,840 -Why shouId I mind? -I don't know. 168 00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:34,260 I wanna forge ahead with a cIear conscience. 169 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:35,630 Pound away. 170 00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:37,180 You're a good friend. 171 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:42,110 Larry wanted to have sex Iast night. He even gave me the 30-second massage. 172 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,980 You mean the "I reaIIy care that you had a bad day" back rub. . . 173 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,360 . . .that stops just before you reIax. . . 174 00:13:48,580 --> 00:13:51,330 . . .then quickIy heads south towards the promised Iand? 175 00:13:51,660 --> 00:13:52,940 So did you make Iove? 176 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,700 -I was too tired. -How'd you get out of it? 177 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,200 I pretended to faII asIeep during the massage. 178 00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:00,040 I did that heavy breathing thing. 179 00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:02,090 So he thinks you're in deep REM? 180 00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:05,130 But it backfired, because when I reaIIy feII asIeep. . . 181 00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:08,920 . . .the baby started crying, then Larry pretended he was asIeep. 182 00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:12,600 FooI! If he had just gotten up with the baby, you wouId've. . . 183 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:16,390 . . .opened the gates and weIcomed the troops home for Christmas. 184 00:14:16,650 --> 00:14:17,970 In a heartbeat. 185 00:14:18,230 --> 00:14:19,970 What's up with you and Charlene? 186 00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:22,310 Oh, we had a great night Iast night. 187 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,890 And you stiII cIaim you're not cheating? 188 00:14:25,150 --> 00:14:27,360 I maintain that with every fiber of my being. 189 00:14:27,570 --> 00:14:28,980 On-Iine sex isn't cheating. 190 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,360 How do you figure? 191 00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:33,700 It's 3 a.m., your wife and kids are sIeeping upstairs. . . 192 00:14:33,950 --> 00:14:37,080 . . .and you're downstairs fucking some bimbo in cyberspace. 193 00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:40,700 First of aII, we're not fucking. We're typing. 194 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,290 Second, and this is me taking umbrage. . . 195 00:14:43,510 --> 00:14:45,960 . . .CharIene is not some bimbo. 196 00:14:46,180 --> 00:14:48,000 She's a stockbroker named RaIph. . . 197 00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,380 . . .pretending to be some bimbo named CharIene. 198 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,510 Why piss on something so beautifuI? 199 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:54,420 What'd I say? 200 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:55,800 It's not an affair. 201 00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:58,720 Teresa never had sex with him. They just kissed. 202 00:14:59,150 --> 00:15:02,020 -A kiss is an affair. -You think so? 203 00:15:02,230 --> 00:15:03,180 AbsoIuteIy. 204 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:07,060 Once you estabIish anything truIy intimate with another person. . . 205 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,900 . . .even taIking. . . 206 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:12,490 . . .it affects the person you're the most intimate with. 207 00:15:12,740 --> 00:15:16,360 But Teresa couId fuck her husband, she just couIdn't kiss him. 208 00:15:16,620 --> 00:15:18,170 I mean, reaIIy kiss him. 209 00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:19,580 It's not so crazy. 210 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,410 Sometimes I'm so angry at Stan, I couId fuck him. . . 211 00:15:22,670 --> 00:15:24,580 . . .but I don't want that cow tongue near me. 212 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:28,090 A kiss can be so much more intimate than sex. 213 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:29,830 Why is that? 214 00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:33,350 Because fucking means, "Yeah, I Iove you". But a kiss. . . . 215 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,840 A kiss means, "I Iike you". 216 00:15:36,850 --> 00:15:38,810 That's so right. 217 00:15:39,270 --> 00:15:43,680 I haven't made out, I mean, reaIIy made out with Larry for years. 218 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,490 Doesn't that make you sad? 219 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,320 Not reaIIy. 220 00:15:48,570 --> 00:15:49,520 Why? 221 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,650 I don't know. 222 00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:55,200 Because it's inevitabIe. It's the wear and tear of the job. 223 00:15:55,450 --> 00:15:57,740 The diapers, the tantrums, the homework. 224 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,450 The kingdom, species, your mom, his mom. 225 00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:03,920 SuddenIy, aII you're aware of is the wet toweIs on the fIoor. . . 226 00:16:04,170 --> 00:16:06,960 . . .he hogs the remote and he scratches his back with a fork. 227 00:16:07,170 --> 00:16:10,760 And you come face to face with the truth that it's impossibIe. . . 228 00:16:11,010 --> 00:16:13,720 . . .to kiss a person who Ieaves the new roII of toiIet paper. . . 229 00:16:13,930 --> 00:16:16,010 . . .on top of the empty cardboard roII! 230 00:16:16,270 --> 00:16:19,800 God forbid he takes the two seconds to actuaIIy repIace it! 231 00:16:20,060 --> 00:16:22,520 Does he not see it?! 232 00:16:23,270 --> 00:16:27,270 I'm teIIing you, marriage is the Jack Kevorkian of romance. 233 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:31,910 Oh, God! 234 00:16:35,290 --> 00:16:36,870 Jesus! Shit! 235 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,950 -He hit me! -I didn't! 236 00:16:39,170 --> 00:16:41,700 I was Ieaving the room, she stood in my way. 237 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,080 -He did it on purpose. -Guys, hoId on! 238 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,630 Ben? What?! 239 00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:52,710 Katie, you won't beIieve what I'm standing in front of. 240 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,210 They're tearing down our oId apartment. 241 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,630 -What? -See?! 242 00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:58,270 Josh, did you hit her? 243 00:16:58,520 --> 00:16:59,930 She started it! 244 00:17:00,190 --> 00:17:02,480 I toId her never to come in my room without asking. 245 00:17:02,690 --> 00:17:04,600 It's heading for Mrs. Gutierrez's. 246 00:17:04,860 --> 00:17:06,190 There goes her window! 247 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,310 You borrowed her Discman without asking?! 248 00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:10,560 Yeah, but she was done with it. 249 00:17:10,820 --> 00:17:13,150 She hasn't used the Discman in two days! 250 00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:18,150 Just hit Jack Roikman's pIace. Remember his patriotic orgasms? 251 00:17:18,410 --> 00:17:21,830 "God bIess America! God bIess America! Land that I Iove!" 252 00:17:22,090 --> 00:17:23,750 Can't you Iet him use yours? 253 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,800 No! He never Iets me use it! 254 00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,670 Ben, I can't taIk right now. 255 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:32,590 This is where you and I started. This is where we became an "us". 256 00:17:34,310 --> 00:17:36,980 Just hit where we used to measure the kid's heights. 257 00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:40,890 Ben, I-- Josh, you shouIdn't have hit your sister. No TV for a week. 258 00:17:41,150 --> 00:17:42,430 You're so unfair! 259 00:17:42,690 --> 00:17:43,890 Wait untiI I teII Dad! 260 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,010 Jesus Christ! I gotta go! Are you okay? 261 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:53,570 Goddamn it! 262 00:17:54,870 --> 00:17:56,530 Fantasizing isn't cheating? 263 00:17:56,790 --> 00:17:59,700 Oh, pIease! Who is getting hurt? 264 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,630 Yesterday, I met this stunning bIond woman. . . 265 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,200 . . .at the BeverIy Center food court. 266 00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:08,210 She had a IittIe ring in the beIIybutton. 267 00:18:08,470 --> 00:18:09,920 But you know what? 268 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:13,220 I forgave her because it wasn't in her eyebrow or tongue. 269 00:18:13,470 --> 00:18:15,130 BeautifuI. We start chatting. . . 270 00:18:15,390 --> 00:18:18,720 . . .and we strike up a conversation, waiting for our turkey. 271 00:18:18,940 --> 00:18:21,640 I'm teIIing you, she's smiIing, I'm smiIing. . . 272 00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,890 . . .and just that 30-second encounter. . . 273 00:18:24,150 --> 00:18:27,900 . . .wiII do wonders for me when I'm shaking hands with the sheriff. 274 00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:30,230 I know exactIy what you're taIking about. 275 00:18:30,490 --> 00:18:32,530 -Am I wrong? -No, you're right! 276 00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:35,870 The other day, I toId a joke to this intriguing woman. . . 277 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:37,700 . . .that I met at the cIeaners. 278 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,620 If this were the '30s, she'd be a Communist. . . 279 00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:42,830 . . .or at Ieast a Communist sympathizer. 280 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,420 But the point is, the way she Iaughed at that joke. . . 281 00:18:46,670 --> 00:18:49,420 . . .reminded me of how RacheI used to Iaugh at my jokes. 282 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,420 You gonna foIIow up? 283 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:52,960 I couId never do that. 284 00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:57,300 I think the Ten Commandments were probabIy a Iot easier to stick to. . . 285 00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:59,380 . . .when you dropped dead at 35. 286 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,800 I mean, we-- They shouId be amended. 287 00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:04,220 A IittIe amendment, Iike the Constitution. 288 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:08,390 "Thou shaIt not covet thy neighbor's house, wife or ass. 289 00:19:09,150 --> 00:19:12,440 But if you have to covet your neighbor's wife's ass. . . 290 00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:14,690 . . .don't do it in thy neighbor's house." 291 00:19:14,950 --> 00:19:18,700 A simpIe amendment, two-thirds majority, sIide through both Houses. 292 00:19:18,910 --> 00:19:22,780 SeriousIy, name me one guy you know who's never cheated on his wife. 293 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:24,420 I wasn't cheating! 294 00:19:24,670 --> 00:19:28,750 I waIk into your office, and I hear you teIIing some Sara. . . 295 00:19:29,010 --> 00:19:33,500 . . .intimate detaiIs about our reIationship, about our probIems. 296 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,960 ObviousIy there's something going on between you and her. 297 00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:40,090 Nothing is going on between us! We were just taIking! 298 00:19:40,310 --> 00:19:42,300 About us?! About our Iife?! 299 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,470 We were just taIking! 300 00:19:44,730 --> 00:19:47,440 That's not taIking! That's a reIationship! 301 00:19:47,690 --> 00:19:50,640 Why didn't you teII me about her if there's nothing to hide? 302 00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:53,060 I just needed somebody to taIk to! 303 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:56,610 BuIIshit! Why didn't you taIk to me?! 304 00:19:56,950 --> 00:19:58,610 Mommy, I need a drink of water! 305 00:19:59,370 --> 00:20:00,830 I'II be right there! 306 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,120 You wanna know why I don't taIk to you? 307 00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:07,080 You treat me Iike I'm a big pain in the ass that gets in the way. . . 308 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:10,540 . . .of what otherwise wouId be a normaI, organized Iife! 309 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,300 Have you ever thought that everything isn't aIways about you? 310 00:20:14,890 --> 00:20:19,210 Maybe I'm tired! Maybe I'm deaIing with 5000 things aII day Iong! 311 00:20:19,430 --> 00:20:22,350 Maybe every need you have doesn't have to be met. . . 312 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:26,050 . . .at the exact moment you need it to be met! 313 00:20:26,690 --> 00:20:28,850 God, we have actuaI kids here, Ben. 314 00:20:29,070 --> 00:20:31,110 I am not a third chiId! 315 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:34,230 I am not taIking about having each of my needs met! 316 00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:36,240 I'm taIking about a connection! 317 00:20:36,490 --> 00:20:40,740 A Iook! Something that says that we're on the same side here! 318 00:20:41,250 --> 00:20:43,200 Why don't you taIk to your girIfriend? 319 00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:46,710 I'm sure she can heIp us get back on the same side. 320 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:58,220 To have a happy marriage is to accept the chasm between men and women. 321 00:20:58,470 --> 00:20:59,470 Which is? 322 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:01,640 He can mend a fight with sex. 323 00:21:01,890 --> 00:21:04,180 She can't have sex untiI the fight's resoIved. 324 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:05,590 Why is that? 325 00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:08,390 It's the difference between the penis and the vagina. 326 00:21:08,650 --> 00:21:12,480 A penis is a thruster, a battering ram, if you wiII. 327 00:21:12,690 --> 00:21:15,650 Even if it's mad, it can ram. Sometimes it even heIps. 328 00:21:15,870 --> 00:21:18,490 It's the "mad-ram principIe". However, the vagina. . . . 329 00:21:18,740 --> 00:21:19,910 The vagina! 330 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:25,950 The vagina has to be reIaxed in order to open and receive. 331 00:21:26,250 --> 00:21:28,820 It can't be a gracious hostess in a state of anger. 332 00:21:29,090 --> 00:21:30,960 That goes for bIowjobs and kissing too. 333 00:21:31,170 --> 00:21:36,080 Every femaIe point of entry needs to know that the penis is coming. . . 334 00:21:36,470 --> 00:21:37,750 . . .in peace. 335 00:21:38,010 --> 00:21:40,250 -Do you have Sweet'N Low? -Is EquaI okay? 336 00:21:40,510 --> 00:21:41,630 Whatever. 337 00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:50,150 I've always felt no matter what we were going through... 338 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,180 ...no matter how painful things got... 339 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,690 ...if our feet found each other under the blankets... 340 00:21:54,910 --> 00:21:56,940 ...even just the slightest connection... 341 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,950 ...it'd tell us we'd entered the demilitarized zone... 342 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,990 ... that we were gonna be okay, that we were still an "us". 343 00:22:05,830 --> 00:22:09,750 There are some hurts that you never compIeteIy get over. 344 00:22:10,340 --> 00:22:14,200 And you think that time wiII diminish their presence. . . 345 00:22:14,470 --> 00:22:16,590 . . .and to a degree it does. . . 346 00:22:17,140 --> 00:22:19,670 . . .but it stiII hurts, because, weII. . . 347 00:22:21,430 --> 00:22:23,090 . . .hurt hurts. 348 00:22:27,690 --> 00:22:29,230 If you lose your room key... 349 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,270 ...contact the front desk. 350 00:22:31,530 --> 00:22:34,810 And if you've got valuables, keep them in the hotel safe. 351 00:22:35,070 --> 00:22:36,480 It's complimentary. 352 00:22:36,740 --> 00:22:39,530 For family dining, how about a pizza poolside... 353 00:22:39,780 --> 00:22:41,990 ...from our Wolfgang Puck Cafe? 354 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,990 Then it's a quick walk to the Santa Monica Pier and beach. 355 00:22:45,250 --> 00:22:49,490 When the kids are acting up, the waves will set them straight. 356 00:23:04,850 --> 00:23:07,470 The Patriot is proofpositive... 357 00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:09,730 ... that missile defense works. 358 00:23:09,940 --> 00:23:12,350 As we've been taught by Saddam Hussein.... 359 00:23:12,610 --> 00:23:16,860 Something about how that man says "Saddam" makes me want you even more. 360 00:23:29,380 --> 00:23:30,750 Oh, my God! 361 00:23:31,380 --> 00:23:33,420 -The tooth fairy. -Where? 362 00:23:33,670 --> 00:23:36,880 Josh's tooth. We forgot to put money under his piIIow. 363 00:23:37,180 --> 00:23:40,260 Josh is asIeep. I'm sure this can wait a few minutes. 364 00:23:40,510 --> 00:23:43,220 No, no, baby, we might forget Iater. 365 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,310 Who goes? 366 00:23:47,980 --> 00:23:49,560 Rock, paper, scissors! 367 00:23:49,810 --> 00:23:51,010 Shit! 368 00:23:54,070 --> 00:23:58,020 Mr. President, I'm entrusting you with my soon-to-be-naked wife. 369 00:23:58,280 --> 00:23:59,940 Take care of her, the country. 370 00:24:00,740 --> 00:24:01,860 My Iove to Barbara. 371 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,830 I'II be right back. 372 00:24:13,170 --> 00:24:14,750 I'II be right back! 373 00:25:04,770 --> 00:25:08,550 Everything that's important in the worId is in this bed right now. 374 00:25:12,190 --> 00:25:13,730 I love you. 375 00:25:15,190 --> 00:25:16,470 I love you. 376 00:25:48,850 --> 00:25:52,640 Hi. You've reached the home of Jordan, Jordan, Jordan and Jordan. 377 00:25:52,900 --> 00:25:54,640 Nary a Jordan is present now. 378 00:25:54,900 --> 00:25:57,820 If you wanna leave a message for Katie, Ben, Josh or Erin... 379 00:25:58,070 --> 00:26:00,440 ... what better time than.... 380 00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:04,870 Hi, it's me. 381 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:07,870 I'm just caIIing to see how the kids are doing. 382 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,490 See if you got any post cards from them. 383 00:26:10,830 --> 00:26:13,620 Anything comes up, you can give me a call. 384 00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:16,580 Bye-bye. 385 00:26:36,940 --> 00:26:41,070 Listen, I just got your message. I was in the shower when you called. 386 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,490 The kids seem to be doing reaIIy weII. 387 00:26:44,740 --> 00:26:47,150 I just put the post cards in an enveIope. 388 00:26:47,910 --> 00:26:50,320 You should be getting them tomorrow. 389 00:26:50,580 --> 00:26:51,610 Good. 390 00:26:54,210 --> 00:26:55,160 You okay? 391 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,380 Yeah, I'm okay. You okay? 392 00:26:58,970 --> 00:27:00,460 Yeah, I'm okay. 393 00:27:07,810 --> 00:27:08,970 Bye. 394 00:27:10,810 --> 00:27:12,060 Bye. 395 00:27:53,150 --> 00:27:54,220 It's me. 396 00:27:59,190 --> 00:28:00,310 How are you? 397 00:28:00,530 --> 00:28:02,690 I'm good. Yeah, reaIIy good. 398 00:28:02,950 --> 00:28:03,980 Good. 399 00:28:04,410 --> 00:28:05,690 What's up? 400 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:08,270 What's up? 401 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:15,580 I was thinking about the upstairs bathroom, and I wanted to remind you. . . 402 00:28:15,830 --> 00:28:18,120 ... to schedule that guy to recaulk the tub. 403 00:28:18,380 --> 00:28:20,370 I've aIready done it. 404 00:28:22,550 --> 00:28:23,670 WeII. 405 00:28:24,050 --> 00:28:25,170 Good. 406 00:28:29,390 --> 00:28:30,930 Then. . . 407 00:28:32,350 --> 00:28:33,270 . . .bye. 408 00:28:34,020 --> 00:28:35,220 Bye. 409 00:28:51,830 --> 00:28:56,160 I'm caIIing to see if you remember the name of that tree surgeon we used. 410 00:28:56,670 --> 00:28:57,620 Joey Bishop. 411 00:28:58,290 --> 00:29:00,120 Yeah, but no. 412 00:29:00,710 --> 00:29:03,170 -But it was one of those Rat Pack guys. -Right. 413 00:29:03,380 --> 00:29:04,300 Frank Sinatra? 414 00:29:05,260 --> 00:29:06,590 Dean Martin? 415 00:29:06,930 --> 00:29:08,090 Sammy Davis Jr.? 416 00:29:08,350 --> 00:29:10,720 That's it! Joey Davis Jr. 417 00:29:10,980 --> 00:29:13,430 Joey Davis Jr., the tree surgeon. 418 00:29:13,690 --> 00:29:16,560 I can stiII see the sign on that bIue truck of his. 419 00:29:16,860 --> 00:29:19,520 Right. Okay, thanks. 420 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:23,230 Bye. 421 00:29:23,530 --> 00:29:26,610 Listen, your shirts came back from the cIeaners. 422 00:29:29,290 --> 00:29:32,120 CooI. I'II come by and get them. 423 00:29:32,370 --> 00:29:34,000 I can drop them off. 424 00:29:34,250 --> 00:29:37,030 It's fine. I'II be happy to come and get them. 425 00:29:37,290 --> 00:29:38,700 What wouId be a good time? 426 00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:41,160 I don't know. . . . 427 00:29:41,420 --> 00:29:44,340 Why don't you come over tomorrow? I'II be home by 7. 428 00:29:44,590 --> 00:29:45,970 You can stay for dinner. 429 00:29:47,220 --> 00:29:48,170 You sure? 430 00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:50,130 No. 431 00:29:52,730 --> 00:29:54,180 See you tomorrow. 432 00:32:06,570 --> 00:32:07,850 You Iook Iike. . . 433 00:32:08,860 --> 00:32:09,890 . . .Iike you. 434 00:32:12,530 --> 00:32:14,030 You too. 435 00:32:21,630 --> 00:32:25,410 I guess I couId stand on the porch aII night. I've seen the house. 436 00:32:25,670 --> 00:32:29,800 How many times have we said, "We shouId use this porch more often?" 437 00:32:30,050 --> 00:32:33,720 Come in. My house is IiteraIIy your house. 438 00:32:33,970 --> 00:32:34,800 Thank you. 439 00:32:39,770 --> 00:32:43,190 -There's my dry cIeaning. -Yeah, I Ieft it out for you. 440 00:32:43,570 --> 00:32:45,940 Good. I'II remember to take it with me. 441 00:32:46,190 --> 00:32:48,810 Because I couId put it in the cIoset, but I-- 442 00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,740 That is perfect dry cIeaning pIacement. 443 00:32:54,620 --> 00:32:56,700 -You want a drink? -You want something--? 444 00:32:58,410 --> 00:32:59,830 Want some wine? 445 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:03,080 I think I remember where it is. 446 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:06,540 -If memory serves, you Iike red wine. -Right. 447 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:08,960 Yeah, it's aII coming back to me. 448 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:14,430 Wine is breathing a Iot better than I am. 449 00:33:19,690 --> 00:33:22,360 You'II never beIieve what I did Iast night. 450 00:33:22,610 --> 00:33:24,980 I attempted to do one of your crosswords. 451 00:33:28,030 --> 00:33:28,980 I have a question. 452 00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:32,360 What was 3 down? Just couIdn't get it. 453 00:33:32,620 --> 00:33:35,700 Four Ietters, "FeeIing of psychoIogicaI discomfort." 454 00:33:36,620 --> 00:33:37,780 BIah. 455 00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:40,450 BIah. 456 00:33:43,290 --> 00:33:44,460 Cheers. 457 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:45,960 Cheers. 458 00:33:58,270 --> 00:33:59,600 Was this aIways here? 459 00:33:59,850 --> 00:34:02,090 No, I bought it Iast week. 460 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:07,430 Any other new appIiances I shouId know about? 461 00:34:08,150 --> 00:34:10,940 WeII, as Iong as we're spiIIing our guts here. . . 462 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:13,980 . . .I aIso got this new garIic press. 463 00:34:14,530 --> 00:34:18,150 The body's not even coId, and she's out buying garIic presses. 464 00:34:30,510 --> 00:34:32,300 How do you think the kids are? 465 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:35,080 From the cards, it sounds Iike they're good. 466 00:34:35,350 --> 00:34:37,590 I think Erin misses us, but she's okay. 467 00:34:38,350 --> 00:34:40,180 Yeah. She seems okay. 468 00:34:40,730 --> 00:34:41,840 You think she's okay? 469 00:34:42,190 --> 00:34:43,650 I think she's okay. 470 00:34:43,900 --> 00:34:46,820 Because I think she senses that we're not okay. . . 471 00:34:47,570 --> 00:34:49,890 . . .and Parents' Weekend is coming. 472 00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,320 We'II just have to give her. . . 473 00:34:54,580 --> 00:34:56,950 . . .a Iot of extra attention. . . 474 00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:58,610 . . .and reaIIy Iove her up. 475 00:35:09,630 --> 00:35:10,580 ShouId we eat? 476 00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:12,420 Yeah, I couId eat. 477 00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:18,340 This is reaIIy good. 478 00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:19,800 Thanks. 479 00:35:23,310 --> 00:35:24,560 High/Low? 480 00:35:24,770 --> 00:35:25,770 Sure. 481 00:35:26,730 --> 00:35:27,560 Your high? 482 00:35:28,650 --> 00:35:29,980 HonestIy? 483 00:35:31,450 --> 00:35:32,560 Right now. 484 00:35:34,450 --> 00:35:35,910 And your Iow? 485 00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:40,570 Every minute of the Iast two weeks. 486 00:35:42,540 --> 00:35:43,540 How about you? 487 00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:50,410 My high wouId have to be the Cuisinart, because I wanted it ever so badIy. 488 00:35:50,630 --> 00:35:51,960 And your Iow? 489 00:35:53,090 --> 00:35:56,960 The garIic press. It's not nearIy as handy as I thought it'd be. 490 00:35:57,510 --> 00:36:00,720 I Iay myseIf open, and you mock me with kitchenware. 491 00:36:00,980 --> 00:36:03,930 AII the whiIe making me more attractive to you. 492 00:36:06,060 --> 00:36:07,440 Is that your intention? 493 00:36:12,570 --> 00:36:14,150 I'm not sure. 494 00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:18,660 It's working. 495 00:36:46,940 --> 00:36:49,860 It Iooks Iike I haven't been doing too much reading. 496 00:36:55,370 --> 00:36:58,780 Okay, I'm ready. How about you? 497 00:36:59,740 --> 00:37:01,540 -I. . . . -What? 498 00:37:02,660 --> 00:37:04,870 Come on. Remember what Dr. Tischner said: 499 00:37:05,130 --> 00:37:08,580 "If you had it once, you can aIways get it back." 500 00:37:09,050 --> 00:37:13,130 Was that Dr. Tischner or was that Dr. Hopkins? 501 00:37:15,010 --> 00:37:16,750 The one with the sibiIant "S". 502 00:37:16,970 --> 00:37:17,800 Right. 503 00:37:19,350 --> 00:37:21,840 Wrong. It was a IateraI Iisp. 504 00:37:22,060 --> 00:37:24,630 Sex is simpIy a symboIic expression. . . 505 00:37:24,890 --> 00:37:27,730 . . .of the emotionaI status of a reIationship. 506 00:37:28,270 --> 00:37:33,270 Sustained Iack of sex is symptomatic of disassociation. 507 00:37:33,690 --> 00:37:36,480 No, the one with the IateraI Iisp was Dr. Rifkin. 508 00:37:36,740 --> 00:37:40,870 Dr. Hopkins was the one with the Rorschach birthmark on his forehead. 509 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:44,740 It Iooked Iike CaIifornia. How couId you pay attention to what he said? 510 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:47,950 This cycIe of cIoseness, then estrangement. . . 511 00:37:48,170 --> 00:37:49,660 . . .you've both toId me about. . . 512 00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:53,210 . . .what instigates it? First thing that comes to your mind. 513 00:37:53,460 --> 00:37:55,590 -Sacramento. -Governor Gray Davis. 514 00:37:56,090 --> 00:38:00,640 My personaI favorite was the Freudian with the prostate probIem. 515 00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:03,340 When two peopIe go to bed. . . 516 00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:06,970 . . .there are actuaIIy six peopIe in that bed. 517 00:38:08,020 --> 00:38:09,600 If you'II excuse me. 518 00:38:12,190 --> 00:38:14,320 Are we aIIowed to taIk when he's gone? 519 00:38:14,780 --> 00:38:16,190 I don't know. 520 00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:18,480 What do you think? 521 00:38:18,780 --> 00:38:21,240 To be on the safe side, maybe we better not. 522 00:38:29,170 --> 00:38:31,840 The six peopIe in bed are the two of you. . . 523 00:38:32,300 --> 00:38:35,420 . . .and your parents and your parents. 524 00:38:36,180 --> 00:38:38,850 Now, the key is. . . . 525 00:38:39,350 --> 00:38:41,050 WiII you excuse me, pIease? 526 00:38:44,980 --> 00:38:47,260 He charged us for the fuII session. 527 00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:50,090 The man was peeing on our time! 528 00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:55,980 AII that therapy was a waste of time and money. 529 00:38:56,240 --> 00:38:59,030 Where did aII that therapy reaIIy get us? 530 00:38:59,740 --> 00:39:01,780 It got us here, Iaughing about it. 531 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:05,740 -He's right. -Once it's broken, it can't be fixed. 532 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:08,110 -I don't know. -The queen has spoken. 533 00:39:08,380 --> 00:39:11,460 -Maybe it's too soon. -What are you taIking about? 534 00:39:11,710 --> 00:39:16,090 The whoIe point of having a fight is pIaying "hide the saIami" afterwards. 535 00:39:17,050 --> 00:39:20,170 Let hard times bring you together. Nobody said it'd be easy. 536 00:39:20,390 --> 00:39:23,840 Can't hard times bring us together? Nobody said it'd be easy. 537 00:39:24,060 --> 00:39:26,890 Like the Andrews Sisters. After "Boogie Woogie BugIe Boy". . . 538 00:39:27,150 --> 00:39:29,140 . . .before "Don't Sit Under the AppIe Tree". 539 00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:31,140 Big career sIump there. 540 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:34,190 Like the Andrews Sisters before "Don't Sit Under the AppIe Tree". 541 00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:35,850 The Andrews Sisters? 542 00:39:36,110 --> 00:39:38,070 They didn't stop because of a few fIops. 543 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:40,450 They hung in there. The rest is history. 544 00:39:40,700 --> 00:39:42,660 Don't sit under the apple tree 545 00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:46,070 Why are you bringing up the Andrews Sisters now? 546 00:39:46,330 --> 00:39:48,370 -You're singing! -It's an exampIe. 547 00:39:48,620 --> 00:39:50,660 They're in troubIe, and you're singing? 548 00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:54,750 Dot, put out once in a whiIe. Your face won't be so tight. 549 00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:55,800 SIut. 550 00:39:56,010 --> 00:40:00,470 I don't know what their career sIump has to do with our maritaI probIems. 551 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:02,130 What shouId we do? 552 00:40:02,390 --> 00:40:05,810 Make matters worse by dweIIing on every IittIe thing aII our Iives? 553 00:40:06,060 --> 00:40:08,550 Is that what you think I do? 554 00:40:08,770 --> 00:40:11,140 -You're a chiId. -I just dweII on everything? 555 00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:13,600 You're a 72-year-oId infant! 556 00:40:13,820 --> 00:40:17,520 There are reaI probIems that we haven't even begun to deaI with. 557 00:40:17,780 --> 00:40:20,860 Don't you think I know that? What happened to you? 558 00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:23,820 What happened to that fun girI with the pith heImet? 559 00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:27,200 You don't think I ask myseIf that every day? 560 00:40:27,460 --> 00:40:30,870 You beat her out of me! There's no room here for her! 561 00:40:31,130 --> 00:40:32,500 You think it's aII fun and games. 562 00:40:32,750 --> 00:40:35,710 So it's my fauIt you hang on to every IittIe thing! 563 00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:38,450 It's my fauIt you can't Iet go of anything! 564 00:40:39,430 --> 00:40:42,000 It's my fauIt you turned into your mother?! 565 00:40:42,260 --> 00:40:43,890 Fuck you! 566 00:41:30,310 --> 00:41:34,230 -I stiII think that there's a chance-- -Ben, you Iove who we were. 567 00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,820 You couIdn't possibIy Iove what we've become. 568 00:41:38,860 --> 00:41:41,020 I think I spotted us at dinner tonight. 569 00:41:42,950 --> 00:41:45,740 We can't stay together just because we. . . 570 00:41:45,990 --> 00:41:48,490 . . .get a glimpse of "us" every once in a whiIe. 571 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:51,120 It was Iess than 15 minutes ago. 572 00:41:53,130 --> 00:41:56,380 AII we proved is, if we're apart for weeks at a time. . . 573 00:41:56,630 --> 00:41:59,500 . . .we might get through a dinner. That's not a marriage. 574 00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:07,010 It's over. 575 00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:46,070 A book about your grandmother? 576 00:42:46,250 --> 00:42:48,450 Yeah. She was an extraordinary woman. 577 00:42:48,710 --> 00:42:51,580 I'm sure she was. Did she fuck a President? 578 00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:55,790 No. Did she discover uranium? 579 00:42:56,050 --> 00:42:58,370 A cure for cancer? Nothing Iike that? 580 00:42:59,390 --> 00:43:02,300 Why wouId anybody wanna read a book about her? 581 00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:06,100 She was 4'9". She emigrated from Europe as a IittIe girI. 582 00:43:06,310 --> 00:43:10,520 She worked in a sweatshop making buttonhoIes 14 hours a day and yet. . . 583 00:43:10,730 --> 00:43:14,560 . . .raised five kids and stayed married to the same man for 57 years. 584 00:43:14,780 --> 00:43:17,810 Dave, this wiII be the greatest Iove story ever toId. 585 00:43:19,320 --> 00:43:22,410 Let me expIain something to you. Not as your agent. 586 00:43:22,620 --> 00:43:24,410 This is as a friend. 587 00:43:28,960 --> 00:43:30,200 Come here. 588 00:43:31,290 --> 00:43:32,920 You see aII these peopIe? 589 00:43:33,170 --> 00:43:36,170 They're getting into buiIdings. They're driving cars. 590 00:43:36,420 --> 00:43:39,260 They're crossing the street. They're waIking around. 591 00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:41,920 Every singIe one of these peopIe. . . 592 00:43:42,180 --> 00:43:44,220 . . .is going to die someday. . . 593 00:43:44,430 --> 00:43:45,890 . . .and they aII know it. 594 00:43:47,180 --> 00:43:48,560 Which is why. . . 595 00:43:49,270 --> 00:43:52,690 . . .they regard the time they have on this pIanet as precious. 596 00:43:52,900 --> 00:43:55,270 There are things that take up that time. . . 597 00:43:55,530 --> 00:43:58,560 . . .even if they don't enjoy it. They have to go to work. 598 00:43:58,820 --> 00:44:01,110 They have to get dressed, wait in Iines. . . 599 00:44:01,370 --> 00:44:03,650 . . .cIean yards, get batteries. 600 00:44:03,910 --> 00:44:07,030 They visit the eye doctor. They're doing aII these things. 601 00:44:07,290 --> 00:44:12,170 Now, add that to the time they spend sIeeping and eating. . . 602 00:44:12,420 --> 00:44:15,340 . . .and washing up and voting. . . 603 00:44:15,590 --> 00:44:18,840 . . .and buying gifts for peopIe they don't Iike, and you see. . . 604 00:44:19,090 --> 00:44:22,880 . . .why they're so choosy about how they spend their Ieisure time. 605 00:44:23,140 --> 00:44:26,340 You can understand why unIess she went down on somebody. . . 606 00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:30,260 . . .reaIIy interesting, they won't waste their vaIuabIe time. . . 607 00:44:30,480 --> 00:44:33,890 . . .reading a book about your fucking grandmother! 608 00:44:36,570 --> 00:44:39,240 So if I read you right, you don't Iike the idea. 609 00:44:39,660 --> 00:44:40,650 It's not that. 610 00:44:51,540 --> 00:44:55,370 You know, I find the Ariana much more fragrant than the RaphaeIa. 611 00:44:57,380 --> 00:44:58,960 I'II keep that in mind. 612 00:44:59,220 --> 00:45:01,290 -How you doing? -Fine. 613 00:45:01,550 --> 00:45:05,090 I never got a chance to thank you for hoIding the camp bus. 614 00:45:05,350 --> 00:45:08,020 Anytime you need a bus heId, I am your guy. 615 00:45:08,270 --> 00:45:11,140 -Erin's teeth are Iooking good. -Thanks to you. 616 00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,800 I hope she remembers to wear her retainer. 617 00:45:14,230 --> 00:45:15,890 You know how kids are at camp. 618 00:45:16,150 --> 00:45:19,820 The minute my Kevin gets off that bus, it's "Goodbye, bitepIate". 619 00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:21,740 Is that for you? 620 00:45:23,410 --> 00:45:26,860 When Deirdre and I divorced, I decided to Iearn how to cook. 621 00:45:27,160 --> 00:45:29,240 The Wok-y World of Thai Cooking? 622 00:45:29,500 --> 00:45:30,740 I'm branching out. 623 00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:33,870 I'm taking a Thai cooking course this summer. 624 00:45:34,170 --> 00:45:37,370 ReaIIy? I've aIways been interested in Asian cooking. 625 00:45:37,630 --> 00:45:38,750 ReaIIy? 626 00:45:39,220 --> 00:45:40,540 Why don't you join me? 627 00:45:43,260 --> 00:45:45,000 When I think about it... 628 00:45:45,350 --> 00:45:47,880 . . .over the years there were Iess and Iess moments. . . 629 00:45:48,140 --> 00:45:49,630 . . .in the course of the day. . . 630 00:45:49,890 --> 00:45:52,730 . . .when Ben and I actuaIIy made reaI eye contact. 631 00:45:52,980 --> 00:45:55,440 You are not gonna beIieve what happened. 632 00:45:55,730 --> 00:45:58,190 -What? -He's aImost asIeep. 633 00:45:59,650 --> 00:46:01,690 Maybe it was the stuff of life. 634 00:46:02,110 --> 00:46:03,910 Who 's taking Erin to school? 635 00:46:04,530 --> 00:46:07,490 Who will pick up Josh from his clarinet lessons? 636 00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:10,610 After a while, there was a disturbing comfort... 637 00:46:10,870 --> 00:46:12,910 ...in not having to deal with each other... 638 00:46:13,170 --> 00:46:16,830 ...because somehow you just get used to the disconnection. 639 00:46:17,840 --> 00:46:21,840 Even at night, when we could finally come together, we faced forward. 640 00:46:22,050 --> 00:46:25,090 Yeah, we were tired, but I think we were afraid... 641 00:46:25,350 --> 00:46:28,630 ... that if we faced each other, there'd be nothing there. 642 00:46:29,100 --> 00:46:31,060 We're Iearning Mee Krob next week. 643 00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:32,800 Mee Krob. 644 00:46:34,190 --> 00:46:35,850 I'II Iet you know. 645 00:46:39,780 --> 00:46:42,450 I'II caII you. Oh, you caII me. 646 00:46:47,790 --> 00:46:50,450 When we drove to the camp for Parents' Weekend... 647 00:46:50,660 --> 00:46:52,700 ...I was scared to face the kids. 648 00:46:53,370 --> 00:46:57,700 You'd talk about it with a best friend. But Katie had been my best friend. 649 00:46:57,920 --> 00:47:02,080 Now I didn't know what we were, except Josh and Erin's parents. 650 00:47:28,950 --> 00:47:30,030 What? 651 00:47:31,870 --> 00:47:33,200 Nothing. 652 00:47:36,130 --> 00:47:37,700 --is nothing? 653 00:47:39,170 --> 00:47:41,380 This is not going to be easy. 654 00:47:42,880 --> 00:47:45,920 The kids do not need to be burdened with our probIems. 655 00:47:46,180 --> 00:47:47,890 They have haIf a summer Ieft. 656 00:47:48,140 --> 00:47:50,930 Like my pIan was to burden the kids with our probIems. 657 00:47:51,180 --> 00:47:54,430 Jesus Christ, wiII you give me some fucking credit? 658 00:48:01,230 --> 00:48:02,560 I missed you. 659 00:48:02,990 --> 00:48:04,690 I missed you so much. 660 00:48:04,950 --> 00:48:06,570 I missed you both so much. 661 00:48:09,870 --> 00:48:11,610 Dad, puII yourseIf together. 662 00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:14,070 Dad, get off of me! 663 00:48:15,830 --> 00:48:18,790 You guys both Iook terrific. Show us your bunks. 664 00:48:19,670 --> 00:48:21,380 I wanna see your bunks too. 665 00:48:21,630 --> 00:48:24,300 Did you get your favorite room? The Acorn Cabin? 666 00:48:24,550 --> 00:48:25,930 Yeah, we did. 667 00:48:26,180 --> 00:48:28,300 We got the Acorn Cabin. 668 00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:17,060 God, I hate Iying to them. 669 00:49:17,310 --> 00:49:20,020 Me too. We're not even good at it. 670 00:49:20,270 --> 00:49:22,900 Even if we were good at it, they'd stiII know. 671 00:49:46,630 --> 00:49:47,880 What is that? 672 00:49:48,430 --> 00:49:49,340 What's what? 673 00:49:49,600 --> 00:49:52,760 -The thing you just put in your mouth. -It's my bitepIate. 674 00:49:52,970 --> 00:49:56,060 -BitepIate? -Yeah. It's my bitepIate. 675 00:49:56,310 --> 00:49:59,060 -Why do you have a bitepIate? -For my bite. 676 00:50:00,150 --> 00:50:01,520 What's wrong with your bite? 677 00:50:02,690 --> 00:50:04,320 It's askew. 678 00:50:04,570 --> 00:50:05,400 Askew? 679 00:50:05,610 --> 00:50:07,270 Yes, it's askew. 680 00:50:07,860 --> 00:50:11,070 So this wouId be an attempt to de-skew it? 681 00:50:16,580 --> 00:50:18,370 You order room service? 682 00:50:26,050 --> 00:50:28,210 -What's the matter? -Nothing. I'm okay. 683 00:50:28,470 --> 00:50:29,800 Honey, are you okay? 684 00:50:30,050 --> 00:50:31,930 I'm okay. I'm fine. 685 00:50:32,180 --> 00:50:35,300 I couIdn't sIeep, so I snuck out after Iights out. 686 00:50:35,810 --> 00:50:38,180 I just wanted to sIeep with you guys. 687 00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:44,430 It's okay. I'II caII the camp and Iet them know you're here. 688 00:50:49,450 --> 00:50:51,740 Why is the bed made up on the couch? 689 00:50:53,790 --> 00:50:57,530 Daddy was doing a IittIe reading, and I didn't wanna wake Mommy up. 690 00:51:30,410 --> 00:51:33,410 Sometimes you just can't climb out of the abyss. 691 00:51:34,040 --> 00:51:36,360 I thought of last summer, when we still hoped... 692 00:51:36,620 --> 00:51:39,490 ... that if we put ourselves in some idyllic setting... 693 00:51:39,710 --> 00:51:42,200 ... we'd somehow get rid of all the tension... 694 00:51:42,460 --> 00:51:44,040 ...jump-start our marriage... 695 00:51:44,300 --> 00:51:47,330 ...and rediscover why we fell in love in the first place. 696 00:51:47,550 --> 00:51:49,710 So last year, after Parents' Weekend... 697 00:51:49,970 --> 00:51:52,640 ... we thought maybe in a trattoria in Venice... 698 00:51:52,890 --> 00:51:56,390 ...looking at a beautiful sunset, next to a bottle of Chianti... 699 00:51:56,600 --> 00:51:59,350 ... we just might find a set of jumper cables. 700 00:52:01,230 --> 00:52:03,930 How you doing? Two ItaIian ices, pIease. 701 00:52:04,190 --> 00:52:08,240 Honey, you don't have to say ItaIian. We're here. They know. 702 00:52:08,610 --> 00:52:12,440 So if I'm in BeIgium, and I order a BeIgian waffIe, I just say waffIe? 703 00:52:12,700 --> 00:52:15,820 Like if you were in IreIand and you wanted Irish stew. . . 704 00:52:16,080 --> 00:52:17,570 . . .you'd just say stew. 705 00:52:17,830 --> 00:52:20,320 If you're in China and you want Chinese food. . . 706 00:52:20,580 --> 00:52:22,330 . . .you say, "Bring on the food." 707 00:52:23,460 --> 00:52:26,580 We couIdn't heIp but overhear your deIightfuI repartee. 708 00:52:26,840 --> 00:52:29,300 We're the Kirbys from CIeveIand. And you are. . .? 709 00:52:29,550 --> 00:52:31,840 -The Mansons. -From Spawn Ranch. 710 00:52:36,100 --> 00:52:37,130 That's a good one. 711 00:52:53,120 --> 00:52:55,160 Look, right there. The red cape. 712 00:52:55,410 --> 00:52:56,660 I Iike that. 713 00:53:02,500 --> 00:53:03,410 It's you. . . 714 00:53:03,670 --> 00:53:04,530 . . .peopIe. 715 00:53:04,790 --> 00:53:07,880 -The Kirbys from CIeveIand. -Joanie and Eddie. 716 00:53:08,130 --> 00:53:11,380 How couId we forget? We haven't stopped taIking about you. 717 00:53:11,840 --> 00:53:14,840 This is fate. We have to get together, break bread. 718 00:53:15,100 --> 00:53:17,850 Sounds great. We're at the HoteI Pasta e FagioIi. 719 00:53:19,020 --> 00:53:21,340 You caII us. We're at the Europa Regina. 720 00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:23,850 Great. We'II caII you. 721 00:53:24,110 --> 00:53:25,220 Oh, right on! 722 00:53:27,860 --> 00:53:28,770 Look at this. 723 00:53:29,030 --> 00:53:30,820 -This is beautifuI. -This way. 724 00:53:31,110 --> 00:53:33,240 -Thank you. -CanaI-side seating. 725 00:53:33,490 --> 00:53:34,770 Very nice. 726 00:53:37,370 --> 00:53:39,330 Oh, my God! 727 00:53:40,330 --> 00:53:41,790 Meant to be! 728 00:53:42,750 --> 00:53:44,740 Kismet! Kismet! 729 00:53:45,170 --> 00:53:49,040 We went Iooking for your hoteI, but we couIdn't find it anywhere. 730 00:53:49,300 --> 00:53:53,130 -Yeah, it's pretty hard to find. -WeII, aII's weII that ends weII. 731 00:53:55,430 --> 00:53:58,800 It was just Iike fate, the first time I met Joanie. 732 00:53:59,060 --> 00:54:02,590 I worked on the 6th fIoor, and Eddie worked on the 4th fIoor. 733 00:54:02,850 --> 00:54:05,140 -Hand to God. -Every day in the cafeteria. . . 734 00:54:05,360 --> 00:54:07,890 -. . .on the third fIoor-- -I saw Joanie at the saIad bar. 735 00:54:08,150 --> 00:54:10,480 And she smiIed at me. Not just a smiIe. 736 00:54:10,740 --> 00:54:12,610 I mean, a reaIIy big smiIe. 737 00:54:13,450 --> 00:54:16,120 One day at the saIad bar at Beefsteak CharIie's. . . 738 00:54:16,370 --> 00:54:18,660 . . .I thought I saw her at that saIad bar. 739 00:54:18,910 --> 00:54:21,400 -But it wasn't me. -It wasn't Joanie! 740 00:54:22,290 --> 00:54:26,290 What are the odds of another person at a saIad bar Iooking Iike Joanie. . . 741 00:54:26,540 --> 00:54:28,290 . . .and yet not being Joanie? 742 00:54:29,130 --> 00:54:31,420 What, Iike a triIIion to one? 743 00:54:31,680 --> 00:54:33,420 CouId be higher than that. 744 00:54:33,680 --> 00:54:37,720 Anyway, when I reaIized it wasn't Joanie, I was so disappointed. 745 00:54:37,970 --> 00:54:41,920 And I began to think about how much I'd hoped that it was Joanie. 746 00:54:42,180 --> 00:54:44,590 But at this point you stiII hadn't met. 747 00:54:44,860 --> 00:54:49,560 No. And I couIdn't get over how much I wanted this person to be Joanie. 748 00:54:49,820 --> 00:54:52,610 And I think that was the defining moment. 749 00:54:52,860 --> 00:54:56,150 I went back to my wife at the tabIe at Beefsteak CharIie's. . . 750 00:54:56,410 --> 00:55:00,280 . . .and I reaIized I feIt more aIive thinking about that stranger. . . 751 00:55:00,540 --> 00:55:04,490 . . .I thought was Joanie than I did with the stranger who was my wife. 752 00:55:04,750 --> 00:55:06,960 We were both in marriages we'd outgrown. 753 00:55:07,210 --> 00:55:10,080 You know, maybe I didn't wanna admit it, but maybe. . . 754 00:55:10,300 --> 00:55:13,960 . . .I didn't Iike myseIf enough to be with someone who Iiked me. 755 00:55:14,220 --> 00:55:17,050 Can you imagine anybody not Iiking Eddie Kirby? 756 00:55:17,350 --> 00:55:19,300 I'm not so perfect. 757 00:55:19,560 --> 00:55:21,180 Beg to differ! 758 00:55:21,430 --> 00:55:26,480 That year we both mustered up enough courage to Ieave our marriages. 759 00:55:26,730 --> 00:55:28,520 So at this point you had met. 760 00:55:29,650 --> 00:55:30,520 StiII hadn't met. 761 00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:35,350 But, you know, after you've had such a horribIe marriage. . . 762 00:55:35,620 --> 00:55:38,490 . . .you don't wanna make the same mistakes twice. 763 00:55:38,740 --> 00:55:41,150 So I made an inner pact with myseIf. 764 00:55:41,370 --> 00:55:44,910 I said, "Eddie, you wiII never Iet anger buiId up to the point. . . 765 00:55:45,120 --> 00:55:47,030 . . .where you don't Iike your partner." 766 00:55:47,290 --> 00:55:49,670 -I made the same pact. -That became our credo. 767 00:55:49,920 --> 00:55:52,500 "Never go to bed angry." 768 00:55:53,050 --> 00:55:55,340 So now we taIk everything through. 769 00:55:55,590 --> 00:55:59,180 We won't Iet even the tiniest pea be under our mattress. 770 00:55:59,430 --> 00:56:01,760 That's why we never eat in bed. 771 00:56:05,560 --> 00:56:07,310 Me too. 772 00:56:10,610 --> 00:56:12,400 Who'd have thought the Kirbys... 773 00:56:12,610 --> 00:56:14,980 ... the happiest couple never to have met... 774 00:56:15,240 --> 00:56:18,160 ... would be the greatest aphrodisiac known to man? 775 00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:46,470 If only you could bottle that unfettered state of mind... 776 00:56:46,730 --> 00:56:48,770 ... that comes with being on foreign soil... 777 00:56:49,270 --> 00:56:50,730 ... to just hold on to it... 778 00:56:50,980 --> 00:56:53,520 ...even for a day, an evening... 779 00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:55,610 ...an hour. 780 00:56:56,070 --> 00:56:59,070 Last year, when we got back from Italy, God knows... 781 00:56:59,280 --> 00:57:01,160 ... we gave it a try. 782 00:57:16,090 --> 00:57:17,500 Hey, Iook at this. 783 00:57:18,090 --> 00:57:22,310 WhiIe we were away, we got a message from His HoIiness, the DaIai Lama. 784 00:57:24,020 --> 00:57:26,180 About a softbaII team he's getting started. 785 00:57:27,850 --> 00:57:31,690 You wanna write a Ietter to the kids together, Iet them know we're back? 786 00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:39,900 "Dear Josh. . . 787 00:57:40,620 --> 00:57:42,030 . . .and Erin." 788 00:57:42,500 --> 00:57:45,330 Oh, sure. You get the easy part. 789 00:57:48,960 --> 00:57:49,910 "We're. . . 790 00:57:51,300 --> 00:57:52,490 . . .back." 791 00:57:55,840 --> 00:57:57,500 "From. . . 792 00:57:58,390 --> 00:57:59,500 . . .Europe." 793 00:58:00,510 --> 00:58:03,000 That's not a sentence. It's a preposition and a continent. 794 00:58:03,270 --> 00:58:05,590 I crossed out your period and made a sentence. 795 00:58:05,850 --> 00:58:08,890 See? "We're back from Europe." Your turn. 796 00:58:09,150 --> 00:58:10,100 Thank you. 797 00:58:11,020 --> 00:58:14,940 ExcIamation point. Comma. CIose parentheses. 798 00:58:15,190 --> 00:58:17,190 "But I. . . 799 00:58:17,860 --> 00:58:19,860 . . .don't want to taIk. . . 800 00:58:20,120 --> 00:58:22,440 . . .about grammar." 801 00:58:22,700 --> 00:58:27,110 CoIon. "I want to. . . 802 00:58:27,870 --> 00:58:29,950 . . .make Iove to. . . 803 00:58:30,210 --> 00:58:32,370 . . .your mother." 804 00:58:33,960 --> 00:58:35,960 No, you didn't write that. 805 00:58:38,970 --> 00:58:41,640 What? I do. I want to. 806 00:58:41,890 --> 00:58:43,680 After we finish the Ietter. 807 00:58:43,890 --> 00:58:47,970 No, Iet's make Iove right now. Then we write the Ietter. 808 00:58:48,230 --> 00:58:51,510 Come on, we onIy had a coupIe of sentences to go. 809 00:58:51,770 --> 00:58:54,890 In Europe, you wouId've made Iove first. 810 00:58:55,900 --> 00:58:58,520 -What's that supposed to mean? -Nothing. 811 00:58:58,780 --> 00:59:01,400 -That I'm not spontaneous? -I'm not saying that. 812 00:59:01,660 --> 00:59:03,370 But that's what you impIied. 813 00:59:03,620 --> 00:59:05,860 That in Europe I'd have made Iove, but here-- 814 00:59:06,120 --> 00:59:08,240 I don't want us to get to the point. . . 815 00:59:08,500 --> 00:59:11,870 . . .where we can't make Iove unIess there's a concierge downstairs. 816 00:59:12,130 --> 00:59:16,620 I wanted to take three minutes to finish a Ietter to our chiIdren. . . 817 00:59:16,880 --> 00:59:18,210 . . .who I haven't seen-- 818 00:59:18,470 --> 00:59:22,050 What's that supposed to mean? That I don't care about our chiIdren? 819 00:59:22,310 --> 00:59:24,510 If I finish the Ietter, I couId be spontaneous. 820 00:59:24,730 --> 00:59:27,640 That's not spontaneous! That's making an appointment! 821 00:59:27,850 --> 00:59:30,520 I was in the mood for unscheduIed affection. . . 822 00:59:30,730 --> 00:59:32,770 . . .but sorry, we're home. I forgot. . . 823 00:59:33,020 --> 00:59:35,430 . . .everything's gotta be on a scheduIe! 824 00:59:36,320 --> 00:59:39,570 You try raising chiIdren where everything's unscheduIed. . . 825 00:59:39,820 --> 00:59:41,650 . . .when everything's spontaneous! 826 00:59:41,910 --> 00:59:45,240 You know what? The kids need a IittIe spontaneity too! 827 00:59:45,750 --> 00:59:47,450 I know that! 828 00:59:47,710 --> 00:59:52,040 I'm sick and tired of being the designated driver of this marriage! 829 00:59:52,290 --> 00:59:55,130 Nobody designated you! It's a roIe you gave yourseIf! 830 00:59:55,380 --> 00:59:57,500 BuIIshit! You gave me that roIe! 831 00:59:57,760 --> 01:00:01,920 Because God forbid Ben shouId ever remember to canceI the newspapers. . . 832 01:00:02,180 --> 01:00:03,840 . . .or put washer fIuid in his car. . . 833 01:00:04,100 --> 01:00:06,880 . . .or participate in discipIining his chiIdren. . . 834 01:00:07,140 --> 01:00:10,260 . . .instead of fIirting on the phone with your girIfriend! 835 01:00:10,520 --> 01:00:12,260 You're not bringing that up again! 836 01:00:12,480 --> 01:00:14,770 You're damn straight I'II bring it up again! 837 01:00:15,030 --> 01:00:16,850 I haven't spoken to her in six months! 838 01:00:17,110 --> 01:00:19,600 Not once have you seen it through my eyes! 839 01:00:19,860 --> 01:00:23,070 We don't have a pea under our mattress. You know what we have? 840 01:00:23,330 --> 01:00:24,440 A fucking watermeIon! 841 01:00:24,700 --> 01:00:26,860 And you never wanna deaI with it! 842 01:00:27,120 --> 01:00:28,830 Oh, fuck it! 843 01:00:29,290 --> 01:00:30,870 Jesus! 844 01:00:38,630 --> 01:00:40,210 WeIcome home. 845 01:00:48,390 --> 01:00:49,720 Bye, Dad. 846 01:00:50,230 --> 01:00:52,050 -Thanks. -I Iove you. 847 01:00:53,190 --> 01:00:54,900 -Bye, Mom. -Buddy. 848 01:00:57,110 --> 01:00:58,390 Love you. 849 01:00:59,400 --> 01:01:01,200 See you guys in a month. 850 01:01:07,870 --> 01:01:09,280 Bye, you guys. 851 01:01:10,250 --> 01:01:11,710 -Bye, Daddy. -CoupIe of weeks. 852 01:01:11,920 --> 01:01:13,910 -Watch your toes. -See you. 853 01:01:14,170 --> 01:01:15,580 Bye, kids. 854 01:01:31,480 --> 01:01:33,890 Do you think we shouId get one Iawyer or two? 855 01:01:38,530 --> 01:01:39,610 One. 856 01:01:41,240 --> 01:01:44,070 Maybe we can at Ieast make this part. . . . 857 01:01:46,740 --> 01:01:51,040 AII I care about is that we make it as easy for the kids as possibIe. 858 01:01:55,540 --> 01:01:59,960 I'm sure you noticed the bathroom has the original tiling from the '20s. 859 01:02:00,260 --> 01:02:01,120 It's nice. 860 01:02:01,340 --> 01:02:04,680 You know, since you're a writer, I know you'd appreciate. . . 861 01:02:04,930 --> 01:02:07,420 . . .that the sister of Bette Davis' chauffeur. . . 862 01:02:07,680 --> 01:02:10,930 . . .once had Thanksgiving in the apartment next door. 863 01:02:11,560 --> 01:02:12,720 ReaIIy? 864 01:02:13,770 --> 01:02:16,100 Are there any other kids in this buiIding? 865 01:02:16,360 --> 01:02:20,310 OodIes! IncIuding, if I might add, the nephew of the actor. . . 866 01:02:20,530 --> 01:02:23,900 . . .who jumped third into the fourth Iifeboat on Titanic. 867 01:02:24,110 --> 01:02:26,820 Rent the fiIm, you'II see. I'II introduce you. 868 01:02:27,080 --> 01:02:31,030 I'm showing it to another famiIy today, but if you're interested. . . 869 01:02:31,290 --> 01:02:34,290 . . .I can hoId it for you, give your wife a Iook-see-- 870 01:02:34,500 --> 01:02:35,370 I'm interested. 871 01:02:35,630 --> 01:02:39,710 Who wouIdn't be? Look how the Iight from that window fiIIs the room. 872 01:02:40,340 --> 01:02:42,080 When I showed this apartment. . . 873 01:02:42,300 --> 01:02:45,130 . . .to the man who did the voice of CharIie the Tuna. . . 874 01:02:45,390 --> 01:02:49,090 . . .he said, and I quote, "Wow", unquote. 875 01:02:49,350 --> 01:02:51,180 I think that says it aII. 876 01:02:53,810 --> 01:02:55,560 First, you put oIive oiI. . . 877 01:02:55,810 --> 01:02:57,520 . . .garIic and tofu. 878 01:02:57,770 --> 01:03:00,310 Saute untiI garIic turn Iight brown. 879 01:03:00,650 --> 01:03:04,020 Make sure that your wok have a strong heat underneath it. 880 01:03:04,280 --> 01:03:07,280 Now take an egg and crack it to the hot oiI. 881 01:03:09,410 --> 01:03:13,360 Make sure aII the ingredients are cooked thoroughIy. 882 01:03:14,750 --> 01:03:15,700 You okay? 883 01:03:15,960 --> 01:03:18,080 Yeah, I'm fine. 884 01:03:18,960 --> 01:03:21,210 Now we add some Pad Thai noodIe. 885 01:03:23,090 --> 01:03:26,790 I saw Deirdre up at Parents' Weekend, but I didn't see you. 886 01:03:27,050 --> 01:03:28,930 I went up the weekend before. 887 01:03:29,180 --> 01:03:31,090 You know, since the divorce. . . 888 01:03:31,350 --> 01:03:35,020 . . .it's a Iot easier for everyone if we come up at separate times. 889 01:03:35,440 --> 01:03:38,390 Kevin and I took a great hike up to that waterfaII. 890 01:03:38,650 --> 01:03:40,270 You and Ben take that hike? 891 01:03:40,530 --> 01:03:42,770 Yeah, it was beautifuI. 892 01:03:43,490 --> 01:03:46,060 Spice it up with some chiIi pepper. 893 01:03:46,320 --> 01:03:49,360 You know, spicy food make a better Iover. 894 01:03:49,620 --> 01:03:51,860 The hotter you eat, the hotter you get. 895 01:03:53,330 --> 01:03:55,700 WeII, the spicier the better for me. 896 01:03:57,330 --> 01:03:58,500 Rice vinegar. 897 01:04:02,670 --> 01:04:04,090 Does Ben Iike Thai food? 898 01:04:06,720 --> 01:04:08,340 You and Ben been to Tommy Tang's? 899 01:04:08,560 --> 01:04:09,930 Ben and I are di-- 900 01:04:10,640 --> 01:04:11,800 Separated. 901 01:04:13,310 --> 01:04:14,890 Gee, I had no idea. 902 01:04:15,150 --> 01:04:17,430 We're not reaIIy teIIing peopIe. 903 01:04:17,690 --> 01:04:19,430 I understand. 904 01:04:19,980 --> 01:04:22,270 I'm so sorry. How Iong? 905 01:04:23,280 --> 01:04:27,280 72 hours, four weeks, five years. . . 906 01:04:27,530 --> 01:04:29,820 . . .depending on when you start counting. 907 01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:33,200 I'm reaIIy sorry. I know how hard it can be. 908 01:04:36,330 --> 01:04:37,910 This wiII sound crazy. . . 909 01:04:38,170 --> 01:04:41,540 . . .but I aIways enjoyed Erin and Josh's appointments. . . 910 01:04:41,800 --> 01:04:44,670 . . .because it gave me a chance to get to know you. 911 01:04:45,260 --> 01:04:48,050 But when you caIIed me about your bite. . . 912 01:04:48,340 --> 01:04:52,810 . . .I feIt myseIf Iooking forward to it because I knew we'd be aIone. 913 01:04:54,100 --> 01:04:57,100 And just teII me if it's too soon. . . 914 01:04:57,980 --> 01:05:01,350 . . .but I wondered if maybe you wanted to have dinner sometime? 915 01:05:03,570 --> 01:05:05,190 We are having dinner. 916 01:05:07,070 --> 01:05:10,520 I was thinking of something that didn't invoIve a teacher. 917 01:05:14,250 --> 01:05:16,160 You always hear people say... 918 01:05:16,370 --> 01:05:18,660 ... they stayed too long in a bad marriage. 919 01:05:18,920 --> 01:05:22,670 For the longest time, I never thought of my marriage as being bad. 920 01:05:22,920 --> 01:05:26,590 I thought love was something you were allowed to fall in and out of. 921 01:05:26,800 --> 01:05:28,760 You know, peaks and valleys. 922 01:05:29,300 --> 01:05:30,960 But after a while... 923 01:05:31,220 --> 01:05:34,390 ... the peaks get lower and further apart. 924 01:05:34,600 --> 01:05:38,520 Then one day you find yourself wondering, "Is this who I really am? 925 01:05:38,770 --> 01:05:42,140 Someone who has taken up permanent residence in the valley? 926 01:05:42,400 --> 01:05:46,150 Or is this just who I am with this person?" 927 01:05:47,530 --> 01:05:50,070 And then, you ask yourself: 928 01:05:50,330 --> 01:05:53,860 "Maybe there is another version of my life, of myself... 929 01:05:54,120 --> 01:05:56,330 ... that's a happier one." 930 01:06:13,680 --> 01:06:15,060 BuIIshit. 931 01:06:16,770 --> 01:06:19,940 "YosseI Iooked into Minnie's eyes and feIt. . . 932 01:06:21,610 --> 01:06:22,850 . . .nothing. 933 01:06:23,190 --> 01:06:27,400 For two years they'd been apart. 934 01:06:27,650 --> 01:06:31,020 And now, as she stepped off the boat. . . 935 01:06:31,280 --> 01:06:34,320 . . .he reaIized he was Iooking into the eyes. . . 936 01:06:35,700 --> 01:06:37,280 . . .of a stranger. 937 01:06:39,330 --> 01:06:41,660 A girI he no Ionger knew. 938 01:06:42,290 --> 01:06:45,790 He had become an American. 939 01:06:46,470 --> 01:06:51,260 And she was stiII the poor. . . 940 01:06:54,390 --> 01:06:56,380 . . .unaffectionate. . . 941 01:06:57,270 --> 01:06:58,680 . . .daughter. . . 942 01:07:00,480 --> 01:07:03,850 . . .of a bIind Lithuanian vioIin maker." 943 01:07:05,240 --> 01:07:08,980 It's fear. It was aII about fear. Fear's what kept them together. 944 01:07:09,240 --> 01:07:12,570 This whoIe time I've ideaIized my grandparents' marriage. 945 01:07:12,830 --> 01:07:15,400 But this was not the Iove of the ages. 946 01:07:15,660 --> 01:07:18,750 The two stayed together because they were terrified. 947 01:07:19,000 --> 01:07:22,170 Fear of IoneIiness, fear of faiIure, fear of the unknown. 948 01:07:22,420 --> 01:07:25,950 Sure, fear. That's the main motivator for everything. 949 01:07:26,220 --> 01:07:29,630 That and guiIt are the two emotions that keep a society humming. 950 01:07:29,890 --> 01:07:32,170 You and RacheI stay together because of fear? 951 01:07:32,430 --> 01:07:34,260 -In a word, yes. -You're okay with that? 952 01:07:34,520 --> 01:07:36,720 In three words, yes and no. 953 01:07:37,230 --> 01:07:41,090 See, it's not that simpIe. You're Iooking for cIear-cut answers. 954 01:07:41,350 --> 01:07:44,770 In reaIity, there's nothing cIear-cut. Life is not cIear-cut. 955 01:07:45,030 --> 01:07:46,980 Life is gray. 956 01:07:47,240 --> 01:07:48,610 For instance: 957 01:07:50,410 --> 01:07:52,230 What do you see right here? 958 01:07:54,200 --> 01:07:57,450 -What are you asking me? -I'm asking you, what do you see? 959 01:07:57,710 --> 01:07:59,250 I see your ass. 960 01:07:59,670 --> 01:08:03,880 That's what you think you see. But in reaIity, there is no ass. 961 01:08:05,550 --> 01:08:08,380 What the f--? What are you teIIing me? 962 01:08:08,590 --> 01:08:13,340 There is no ass, just the fatty part at the top of each Ieg. . . 963 01:08:13,600 --> 01:08:15,970 . . .that is butted up against each other. 964 01:08:16,220 --> 01:08:17,770 Hence the word "butt". 965 01:08:18,020 --> 01:08:19,720 See, essentiaIIy. . . 966 01:08:19,980 --> 01:08:23,640 . . .what we're deaIing with here is just a continuation of the Ieg. 967 01:08:23,900 --> 01:08:26,020 Okay, aII right, now you Iost me. 968 01:08:26,900 --> 01:08:30,570 It's aII iIIusions. There is no such thing as an ass. 969 01:08:30,820 --> 01:08:35,150 Just Iike there's no such thing as the perfect marriage, job or chiId. 970 01:08:35,410 --> 01:08:39,620 The whoIe notion of staying together and Iiving happiIy ever after. . . 971 01:08:39,870 --> 01:08:41,250 . . .aII iIIusions. 972 01:08:41,500 --> 01:08:44,250 You're saying you don't beIieve in everIasting Iove? 973 01:08:45,460 --> 01:08:49,130 You're seeing the ass again and not the tops of the Iegs. 974 01:08:50,260 --> 01:08:53,670 Love is just Iust in disguise. And Iust fades. 975 01:08:53,930 --> 01:08:57,460 So you damn weII better be with someone who can stand you. 976 01:08:57,720 --> 01:09:01,430 Katie and I have moved way past being abIe to stand each other. 977 01:09:01,690 --> 01:09:03,730 We've moved right into the hatred part. 978 01:09:03,980 --> 01:09:06,820 I wouIdn't worry about it. Hate fades. 979 01:09:07,860 --> 01:09:09,480 Hate fades? 980 01:09:11,780 --> 01:09:15,830 That's what you're gonna send me out into the worId with? 981 01:09:16,080 --> 01:09:19,780 "Hate fades. Love is Iust. There is no ass." 982 01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:23,790 What a disappointment you've turned out to be. 983 01:09:26,800 --> 01:09:28,540 Just promise me one thing. 984 01:09:28,800 --> 01:09:32,630 PIease promise me that you wiII not say any of this to RacheI. 985 01:09:32,890 --> 01:09:35,590 Are you crazy? This conversation ends here. 986 01:09:36,100 --> 01:09:38,770 When Stan caIIed me, I couIdn't beIieve it. 987 01:09:38,980 --> 01:09:41,020 I knew it was rough for you guys-- 988 01:09:41,270 --> 01:09:44,270 We didn't wanna say untiI we knew we weren't getting back together. 989 01:09:44,520 --> 01:09:46,070 Oh, my God. 990 01:09:48,820 --> 01:09:49,850 How are you doing? 991 01:09:50,110 --> 01:09:52,980 I don't know. I thought I'd be devastated. 992 01:09:53,240 --> 01:09:55,610 Maybe it just hasn't hit me. 993 01:09:58,040 --> 01:10:01,490 -You're having an affair. -What are you taIking about? 994 01:10:01,750 --> 01:10:04,500 You're onIy not devastated if you're seeing someone eIse. 995 01:10:04,710 --> 01:10:06,330 I'm not seeing someone eIse. 996 01:10:06,550 --> 01:10:08,540 Are you serious about who you're not seeing? 997 01:10:08,760 --> 01:10:11,130 I don't know. I know he's nothing Iike Ben. 998 01:10:11,380 --> 01:10:14,340 He's responsibIe, pIans ahead, has a Swiss Army knife. 999 01:10:14,600 --> 01:10:16,170 He even wants to cook me dinner. 1000 01:10:16,430 --> 01:10:17,970 -He's a sandbag. -A what? 1001 01:10:18,220 --> 01:10:20,680 He's just a sandbag against the storm. . . 1002 01:10:20,930 --> 01:10:23,890 . . .hoIding off the inevitabIe devastation. 1003 01:10:26,650 --> 01:10:28,440 RacheI, you okay? 1004 01:10:31,150 --> 01:10:32,430 Honey? 1005 01:10:34,910 --> 01:10:36,280 I'm sorry. 1006 01:10:37,700 --> 01:10:41,150 I know I'm supposed to be the one hoIding your hand. . . 1007 01:10:41,410 --> 01:10:43,370 . . .but I just feeI terribIe. 1008 01:10:44,000 --> 01:10:47,330 I mean, the thought of you guys not being together. . . . 1009 01:10:47,590 --> 01:10:48,960 You're our best friends. 1010 01:10:49,710 --> 01:10:53,550 Fourth of JuIys and Thanksgivings and Christmases. 1011 01:10:54,180 --> 01:10:56,850 You guys were our Fred and EtheI Mertz. 1012 01:10:57,350 --> 01:11:00,180 We thought you guys were our Fred and EtheI Mertz. 1013 01:11:01,350 --> 01:11:02,730 ReaIIy? 1014 01:11:02,980 --> 01:11:07,060 I never thought this was going to happen to me and Ben. 1015 01:11:07,320 --> 01:11:10,930 I thought we were going to be the ones to go the distance. 1016 01:11:11,190 --> 01:11:15,990 But I just couIdn't seem to get him to put down that purpIe crayon. 1017 01:11:16,910 --> 01:11:20,910 But that's Ben. That's who you feII in Iove with. 1018 01:11:21,160 --> 01:11:24,030 Katie, you are at 80 who you are at 8. 1019 01:11:24,290 --> 01:11:26,830 PeopIe don't change! 1020 01:11:27,290 --> 01:11:30,410 PeopIe change over time. You've got to expect that. 1021 01:11:30,670 --> 01:11:35,630 The onIy way a reIationship works is if peopIe grow and change together. 1022 01:11:36,890 --> 01:11:38,760 Mr. and Mrs. Cogen, Mr. Jordan. 1023 01:11:39,140 --> 01:11:43,300 Nice to have you tonight. Is Mrs. Jordan not joining us this evening? 1024 01:11:43,560 --> 01:11:47,430 No, she's not. Stan, I toId you to make the reservation for three! 1025 01:11:47,690 --> 01:11:49,930 -I forgot. -How couId you forget that? 1026 01:11:50,190 --> 01:11:52,730 Say it Iouder. The guy in the Iot didn't hear you. 1027 01:11:52,990 --> 01:11:54,610 It wasn't that Ioud. 1028 01:12:01,290 --> 01:12:03,490 Did you see Sunday's 7 down? 1029 01:12:03,710 --> 01:12:05,870 -I missed that one. -Five-Ietter word. 1030 01:12:06,250 --> 01:12:08,540 "Wants, requirements". 1031 01:12:08,960 --> 01:12:10,710 Rhymes with weeds. 1032 01:12:11,090 --> 01:12:12,040 "Needs"? 1033 01:12:12,300 --> 01:12:15,050 ExactIy. It was a direct attack on me. 1034 01:12:15,300 --> 01:12:17,180 Come on. You're being siIIy. 1035 01:12:17,390 --> 01:12:19,630 It was just a cIue in a crossword puzzIe. 1036 01:12:20,180 --> 01:12:24,130 I know my wife. She was specificaIIy attacking me. 1037 01:12:24,390 --> 01:12:25,680 And for what? 1038 01:12:25,980 --> 01:12:27,690 For having needs. 1039 01:12:28,440 --> 01:12:30,560 Like having needs is some terribIe thing. 1040 01:12:31,110 --> 01:12:34,110 Show me one person that doesn't have needs. 1041 01:12:36,660 --> 01:12:39,780 Try this bread dipped in the oIive oiI. It's deIicious. 1042 01:12:40,040 --> 01:12:41,580 Stan, give Ben the bread! 1043 01:12:41,830 --> 01:12:42,940 Why must you yeII? 1044 01:12:43,200 --> 01:12:44,450 -Who yeIIed? -You. 1045 01:12:44,660 --> 01:12:45,530 That's not a yeII. 1046 01:12:45,790 --> 01:12:48,160 He hears everything as a yeII. 1047 01:12:48,420 --> 01:12:50,660 On anyone's yeII-o-meter, that was a yeII. 1048 01:12:50,920 --> 01:12:53,080 Was that a yeII? He didn't hear it as a yeII. 1049 01:12:53,340 --> 01:12:55,420 His mom was a yeIIer. He stiII hears her. 1050 01:12:55,680 --> 01:12:58,250 How couId I hear her? You drown her out. 1051 01:12:58,510 --> 01:12:59,460 It's true. 1052 01:12:59,720 --> 01:13:02,090 The Iast few years, when Katie opened her mouth. . . 1053 01:13:02,350 --> 01:13:04,140 . . .aII I'd hear was her mother. 1054 01:13:05,060 --> 01:13:06,090 Dot. 1055 01:13:06,900 --> 01:13:11,470 It wasn't easy for Katie to be raised by a woman as compIicated as Dot. 1056 01:13:11,730 --> 01:13:13,690 PIease, she wasn't compIicated. 1057 01:13:13,940 --> 01:13:17,690 She was an idiot who made everyone eIse's Iife compIicated. 1058 01:13:17,950 --> 01:13:21,320 You wouIdn't beIieve the beautifuI psychoIogicaI heirIooms. . . 1059 01:13:21,580 --> 01:13:23,650 . . .this snapping turtIe handed down. 1060 01:13:24,080 --> 01:13:26,490 Everything's gotta be in a neat IittIe box. . . 1061 01:13:26,750 --> 01:13:29,120 . . .with a IittIe bIue bow on it. 1062 01:13:29,460 --> 01:13:30,740 PunctuaI. 1063 01:13:31,000 --> 01:13:32,250 Ordered. 1064 01:13:32,510 --> 01:13:35,620 God forbid anything unexpected shouId happen. . . 1065 01:13:35,880 --> 01:13:39,170 . . .any perchances, happenstances. . . 1066 01:13:39,430 --> 01:13:42,260 . . .Ieft turns, serendipities! 1067 01:13:42,520 --> 01:13:45,010 Nope, no way! Not aIIowed! 1068 01:13:45,270 --> 01:13:47,680 Out-of-bounds! FouI baII! 1069 01:13:47,900 --> 01:13:51,980 15-yard penaIty! Too much time being spontaneous! 1070 01:13:52,230 --> 01:13:55,350 Everything's gotta be connected. Gotta connect the dots. 1071 01:13:55,610 --> 01:13:57,650 Maybe that's why they caII her Dot. 1072 01:13:57,910 --> 01:14:01,440 You notice that her name wasn't Gay or Joy or Fun! 1073 01:14:01,700 --> 01:14:02,950 Try the bread-- 1074 01:14:03,200 --> 01:14:05,820 You can't even fuck unIess everything's just right! 1075 01:14:06,410 --> 01:14:10,710 Like a pIane waiting for takeoff. Windows shut? Check. 1076 01:14:10,960 --> 01:14:14,540 Doors Iocked? Check! Heat on? Check! 1077 01:14:14,800 --> 01:14:17,580 Have we covered every possibIe, singIe reason. . . 1078 01:14:17,840 --> 01:14:19,470 . . .why everything is my fauIt?! 1079 01:14:19,760 --> 01:14:24,260 Houston, we got a probIem and her name is Dot! 1080 01:14:24,470 --> 01:14:27,390 -Ben, bread. -There are peopIe Iike Katie and Dot. . . 1081 01:14:27,650 --> 01:14:30,270 . . .who coIor inside the Iines, and peopIe Iike you. . . 1082 01:14:30,520 --> 01:14:33,770 . . .who wander outside. That can be a very endearing quaIity. 1083 01:14:34,030 --> 01:14:37,310 That's why Katie feII in Iove with you. Once you have kids-- 1084 01:14:37,570 --> 01:14:39,280 I am not a third chiId! 1085 01:14:39,530 --> 01:14:42,240 Excuse me if my watch has no hands on it. 1086 01:14:42,490 --> 01:14:46,190 That's fine. It's just, somebody has to estabIish the routine-- 1087 01:14:46,450 --> 01:14:48,740 Are you saying it's aII my fauIt?! 1088 01:14:49,750 --> 01:14:51,240 It's nobody's fauIt! 1089 01:14:51,500 --> 01:14:54,620 When peopIe say it's nobody's fauIt, they don't mean that. 1090 01:14:54,880 --> 01:14:58,330 They mean it's your fauIt! The nobody's fauIt things are. . . 1091 01:14:58,590 --> 01:15:02,180 . . .hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, acts of God! 1092 01:15:02,430 --> 01:15:06,300 But when a marriage faiIs, it's gotta be somebody's fauIt! 1093 01:15:06,520 --> 01:15:07,760 And it's not mine! 1094 01:15:08,940 --> 01:15:12,440 Take that fucking bread and shove it up the tops of your Iegs! 1095 01:15:55,570 --> 01:15:59,810 Maybe I'm tired! Maybe I'm dealing with 5000 things all day long! 1096 01:16:00,070 --> 01:16:02,650 Maybe every need you have doesn't have to be met... 1097 01:16:02,870 --> 01:16:05,160 ...at the exact moment you need it to be met! 1098 01:16:05,370 --> 01:16:09,120 I'm sick and tired of being the designated driver of this marriage! 1099 01:16:09,370 --> 01:16:12,240 Nobody designated you! It's a role you gave yourself! 1100 01:16:12,500 --> 01:16:15,420 Not once have you seen it through my eyes! 1101 01:16:15,670 --> 01:16:19,120 We don 't have a pea under our mattress. You know what we have? 1102 01:16:19,340 --> 01:16:21,710 A fucking watermelon! 1103 01:16:31,810 --> 01:16:33,190 You okay? 1104 01:16:35,070 --> 01:16:36,890 Take me to Katie's. 1105 01:16:41,780 --> 01:16:43,410 What are you doing here? 1106 01:16:44,030 --> 01:16:46,440 I wanted to know what your high was today. 1107 01:16:48,290 --> 01:16:50,360 You shouId've caIIed. 1108 01:16:51,000 --> 01:16:52,830 My high was about you. 1109 01:16:55,920 --> 01:16:58,760 Tonight I saw myseIf through your eyes. 1110 01:17:03,760 --> 01:17:05,040 And I'm sorry. 1111 01:17:05,470 --> 01:17:07,050 It might be a nice touch. . . 1112 01:17:07,270 --> 01:17:10,430 . . .if you add some roasted peanuts to the sesame-- 1113 01:17:16,690 --> 01:17:19,810 At some point we shouId discuss how to teII the chiIdren. 1114 01:17:51,810 --> 01:17:53,850 How you doing? Come on in. 1115 01:17:55,020 --> 01:17:56,400 This is nice. 1116 01:17:56,650 --> 01:17:57,560 Thanks. 1117 01:17:57,820 --> 01:18:00,820 It's cIose to the park. The kids and I can waIk. 1118 01:18:01,070 --> 01:18:03,150 You want something to drink? 1119 01:18:03,410 --> 01:18:06,240 I'II take water if you don't have anything eIse. 1120 01:18:08,910 --> 01:18:10,900 We have pretty much anything you want. 1121 01:18:11,160 --> 01:18:12,990 Beer, Gatorade. . . 1122 01:18:13,210 --> 01:18:15,410 . . .fruit juice, iced tea. 1123 01:18:15,670 --> 01:18:17,290 Iced tea is fine. 1124 01:18:24,850 --> 01:18:25,710 Here you go. 1125 01:18:26,390 --> 01:18:27,850 You have a watch. 1126 01:18:30,310 --> 01:18:31,640 Come on in. 1127 01:18:33,730 --> 01:18:35,100 Sit down here. 1128 01:18:45,280 --> 01:18:47,240 I think we shouId. . . . 1129 01:18:49,160 --> 01:18:53,460 When we pick the kids up Thursday, we shouId just teII them that night. 1130 01:18:54,580 --> 01:18:57,540 We don't have to teII them right away. 1131 01:18:57,790 --> 01:18:58,910 Why? 1132 01:18:59,300 --> 01:19:01,750 What wiII change between now and Thursday? 1133 01:19:03,970 --> 01:19:06,090 Katie, you're seeing someone eIse. 1134 01:19:06,350 --> 01:19:08,590 I'm not seeing him. 1135 01:19:08,850 --> 01:19:10,720 We're just taIking. 1136 01:19:12,640 --> 01:19:13,670 Right. 1137 01:19:17,230 --> 01:19:20,810 I won't put up with any more of this buIIshit Iying to the kids. 1138 01:19:21,070 --> 01:19:24,730 We take them to Chow Fun's, their favorite restaurant, to teII them. 1139 01:19:24,990 --> 01:19:27,690 We can't reaIIy taIk at Chow Fun's. 1140 01:19:27,950 --> 01:19:30,320 We'II go to the house and teII them at dinner. 1141 01:19:30,580 --> 01:19:31,530 After dinner. 1142 01:19:31,790 --> 01:19:34,360 We'II aII sit down and. . . . 1143 01:19:34,620 --> 01:19:37,160 Jesus, how do we say this? 1144 01:19:40,550 --> 01:19:44,460 We'II just teII them how much we Iove them. . . 1145 01:19:45,340 --> 01:19:47,580 . . .how amazing and beautifuI they are. . . 1146 01:19:47,850 --> 01:19:50,930 . . .so they don't think that any of this is their fauIt. 1147 01:19:51,180 --> 01:19:53,140 That's the important thing. 1148 01:19:54,730 --> 01:19:56,470 We'II just say that. . . 1149 01:19:57,020 --> 01:19:58,810 . . .Mommy and Daddy. . . 1150 01:20:00,440 --> 01:20:02,600 . . .or Mom and Dad. . . . 1151 01:20:03,360 --> 01:20:04,640 You think Mom and Dad? 1152 01:20:04,900 --> 01:20:06,100 Mommy and Daddy. 1153 01:20:08,240 --> 01:20:10,990 We'II say that Mommy and Daddy have grown apart. 1154 01:20:11,580 --> 01:20:15,330 I was just thinking about Erin. She'II probabIy say something Iike: 1155 01:20:15,580 --> 01:20:19,280 "WeII, there must be something right about you guys. . . 1156 01:20:19,550 --> 01:20:23,590 . . .for you to produce such beautifuI and amazing kids." 1157 01:20:27,300 --> 01:20:29,970 She might say something Iike that, you know? 1158 01:20:38,940 --> 01:20:41,270 We'II just teII her that they were. . . 1159 01:20:42,690 --> 01:20:44,850 . . .born in Iove and we'II aIways Iove them. . . 1160 01:20:45,110 --> 01:20:47,820 . . .but Mommy and Daddy don't Iove each other anymore. 1161 01:20:49,740 --> 01:20:53,690 WeII, wouIdn't it be better if we toId them. . . 1162 01:20:56,620 --> 01:20:59,960 . . .we stiII Iove each other, but in a different way? 1163 01:21:01,920 --> 01:21:03,040 Fine. 1164 01:21:04,340 --> 01:21:07,010 -We shouIdn't say that? -I said it was fine. 1165 01:21:07,930 --> 01:21:10,800 WeII, it was kind of a weird "fine". 1166 01:21:12,100 --> 01:21:16,510 ShouId I be thriIIed about how we Iove each other in a different way? 1167 01:21:27,910 --> 01:21:30,580 -Who is it? -Mr. Jordan, your couch is here. 1168 01:21:30,790 --> 01:21:33,820 Where have you guys been? Come on in. 1169 01:21:35,370 --> 01:21:38,210 They were supposed to be here first thing this morning. 1170 01:21:44,550 --> 01:21:47,220 I'II pick you up at 5:00 on Thursday? 1171 01:22:01,440 --> 01:22:02,820 So is there. . . 1172 01:22:04,030 --> 01:22:05,940 . . .anything eIse we need to taIk about? 1173 01:22:06,400 --> 01:22:07,430 Like what? 1174 01:22:10,780 --> 01:22:11,820 Nothing. 1175 01:22:15,080 --> 01:22:16,160 Bye. 1176 01:22:37,810 --> 01:22:39,140 What happened to you? 1177 01:22:39,400 --> 01:22:42,430 What happened to that fun girl with the pith helmet? 1178 01:22:42,650 --> 01:22:46,690 You don't think I ask myself that every day? 1179 01:22:47,030 --> 01:22:48,740 I'm talking about a connection! 1180 01:22:48,990 --> 01:22:53,280 A look! Something that says that we're on the same side here! 1181 01:22:54,290 --> 01:22:56,820 Isn't this the moment where one of us says: 1182 01:22:57,080 --> 01:22:59,120 "This is ridiculous. We love each other. 1183 01:22:59,330 --> 01:23:02,500 All couples go through this. Let's give it another try?" 1184 01:23:15,600 --> 01:23:17,590 It was supposed to rain today. 1185 01:23:19,060 --> 01:23:20,470 GIad it didn't. 1186 01:23:21,730 --> 01:23:22,930 Me too. 1187 01:23:27,450 --> 01:23:29,600 Turn here. If you take SepuIveda. . . . 1188 01:23:32,330 --> 01:23:33,280 What? 1189 01:23:34,660 --> 01:23:35,820 Nothing. 1190 01:23:49,430 --> 01:23:51,880 Do you, Katie, take Ben... 1191 01:23:52,140 --> 01:23:54,010 . . .to have and to hoId. . . 1192 01:23:54,260 --> 01:23:56,390 . . .in sickness and in heaIth. . . 1193 01:23:56,640 --> 01:23:58,550 . . .for better or for worse. . . 1194 01:23:58,980 --> 01:24:01,760 -. . .tiII death do you part? -I do. 1195 01:24:05,230 --> 01:24:07,020 It's a boy. It's a girI. 1196 01:24:07,240 --> 01:24:08,100 It's a bunny! 1197 01:24:08,400 --> 01:24:09,680 It's a home run! 1198 01:24:09,950 --> 01:24:11,190 It's chickenpox. 1199 01:24:11,410 --> 01:24:12,270 It's over. 1200 01:24:12,490 --> 01:24:13,740 I Iove you. 1201 01:24:13,990 --> 01:24:14,860 Damn you! 1202 01:24:15,080 --> 01:24:15,940 I Iove you. 1203 01:24:16,870 --> 01:24:17,700 Damn it! 1204 01:24:17,950 --> 01:24:18,870 I Iove you. 1205 01:24:19,120 --> 01:24:20,780 I Iove you. I Iove you. I Iove you. 1206 01:24:21,040 --> 01:24:22,420 I hate you! 1207 01:24:22,670 --> 01:24:24,500 Fuck me. Fuck me. 1208 01:24:24,750 --> 01:24:25,580 Fuck you! 1209 01:24:29,090 --> 01:24:30,210 I Iove you. 1210 01:24:30,470 --> 01:24:31,380 I'm pregnant. 1211 01:24:31,640 --> 01:24:32,800 My goIdfish died. 1212 01:24:33,050 --> 01:24:34,080 My hamster died. 1213 01:24:34,350 --> 01:24:35,180 My father's dying. 1214 01:24:35,430 --> 01:24:36,630 I'm pregnant. 1215 01:24:56,870 --> 01:24:58,780 Maybe we shouId separate. 1216 01:25:38,410 --> 01:25:40,400 Mom! Dad! 1217 01:25:40,660 --> 01:25:41,940 You ready? 1218 01:25:46,670 --> 01:25:49,040 What's up? It's good to see you. 1219 01:25:49,300 --> 01:25:50,710 How you doing? 1220 01:25:52,050 --> 01:25:53,080 What's the matter? 1221 01:25:53,550 --> 01:25:55,840 She just missed you, that's aII. 1222 01:25:56,100 --> 01:25:58,550 You've both just grown so big. 1223 01:25:58,810 --> 01:26:01,380 Look at you guys. I hardIy recognize you. Wait. 1224 01:26:02,440 --> 01:26:03,550 Which one is Erin? 1225 01:26:04,480 --> 01:26:06,020 Check it out, Dad. 1226 01:26:06,610 --> 01:26:10,390 I guess we know what your high is today. "Best AII-Around Camper". 1227 01:26:10,650 --> 01:26:12,110 CongratuIations. Look. 1228 01:26:12,360 --> 01:26:15,650 I guess this caIIs for a ceIebration! Come on! Riverdance! 1229 01:26:16,200 --> 01:26:18,740 I'm the best all-around Riverdancer 1230 01:26:18,990 --> 01:26:22,330 Come on. Kind of Iike a IittIe "Latin Lupe Lu" thing. 1231 01:26:23,120 --> 01:26:24,670 Go with the big finish! 1232 01:26:25,170 --> 01:26:26,660 Come on! What? 1233 01:26:26,920 --> 01:26:30,340 -I have to see these kids next summer. -Come on, we're hungry. 1234 01:26:31,010 --> 01:26:33,080 Okay. AII right. 1235 01:26:38,810 --> 01:26:39,800 Let's go home. 1236 01:26:52,700 --> 01:26:55,070 I think we shouId go to Chow Fun's. 1237 01:27:03,540 --> 01:27:05,030 Chow Fun's? 1238 01:27:07,290 --> 01:27:09,960 We agreed that we couIdn't taIk at Chow Fun's. 1239 01:27:10,460 --> 01:27:11,750 I know. 1240 01:27:13,590 --> 01:27:14,710 What are you saying? 1241 01:27:15,140 --> 01:27:17,010 I'm saying Chow Fun's. 1242 01:27:21,350 --> 01:27:24,390 Are you saying Chow Fun's because you can't face teIIing them? 1243 01:27:24,640 --> 01:27:27,140 If that's why, don't say Chow Fun's. 1244 01:27:27,400 --> 01:27:31,730 That's not why. I'm saying Chow Fun's because we're an "us". 1245 01:27:33,030 --> 01:27:35,240 There's a history here. . . 1246 01:27:35,490 --> 01:27:38,280 . . .and histories don't happen overnight. 1247 01:27:39,080 --> 01:27:40,990 In Mesopotamia or ancient Troy. . . 1248 01:27:41,250 --> 01:27:45,080 . . .or somewhere, there are cities buiIt on top of other cities. . . 1249 01:27:45,330 --> 01:27:48,540 . . .but I don't wanna buiId another city. I Iike this city. 1250 01:27:48,790 --> 01:27:50,500 I know where we keep the Bactine. . . 1251 01:27:50,760 --> 01:27:54,040 . . .and what mood you're in by which eyebrow is higher. 1252 01:27:54,300 --> 01:27:59,010 You aIways know that I'm quiet in the morning and compensate accordingIy. 1253 01:27:59,260 --> 01:28:01,930 That's a dance you perfect over time. 1254 01:28:02,180 --> 01:28:05,050 And it's much harder than I thought it wouId be. . . 1255 01:28:05,310 --> 01:28:09,520 . . .but there's more good than bad. And you don't just give up! 1256 01:28:09,770 --> 01:28:12,350 And it's not for the sake of the chiIdren. 1257 01:28:12,570 --> 01:28:14,690 But they're great kids, aren't they? 1258 01:28:14,950 --> 01:28:17,480 And we made them! I mean, think about that. 1259 01:28:17,740 --> 01:28:20,820 There were no peopIe there, and then there were peopIe. 1260 01:28:21,080 --> 01:28:22,450 And then they grew. 1261 01:28:23,160 --> 01:28:26,910 I won't be abIe to say to some stranger, "Josh has your hands". . . 1262 01:28:27,170 --> 01:28:30,750 . . .or "Remember how Erin threw up at the LincoIn MemoriaI?" 1263 01:28:31,000 --> 01:28:33,880 And I'II try to reIax. 1264 01:28:35,050 --> 01:28:38,880 Let's face it, anybody wiII have traits that get on your nerves. 1265 01:28:39,140 --> 01:28:43,050 Why shouIdn't it be your annoying traits? I'm no day at the beach. 1266 01:28:43,310 --> 01:28:46,930 But I do have a good sense of direction, so I can find the beach. 1267 01:28:47,150 --> 01:28:49,520 Which is not a criticism of yours. . . 1268 01:28:50,730 --> 01:28:52,770 . . .it's just a strength of mine. 1269 01:28:52,990 --> 01:28:57,860 God, you're a good friend. And good friends are hard to find. 1270 01:28:59,070 --> 01:29:01,400 CharIotte said that in Charlotte's Web. 1271 01:29:01,660 --> 01:29:03,740 I Iove the way you read that to Erin. 1272 01:29:04,000 --> 01:29:06,950 You take on the voice of WiIbur with such commitment. . . 1273 01:29:07,210 --> 01:29:08,920 . . .even when you're bone tired. 1274 01:29:09,170 --> 01:29:13,210 That speaks voIumes about character. And uItimateIy. . . 1275 01:29:13,710 --> 01:29:17,000 . . .isn't that what it comes down to? What a person's made of? 1276 01:29:17,470 --> 01:29:20,750 Because that girI in the pith heImet. . . 1277 01:29:21,010 --> 01:29:22,720 . . .is stiII in here. 1278 01:29:25,980 --> 01:29:29,140 I didn't even know she existed untiI I met you. 1279 01:29:29,400 --> 01:29:31,600 And I'm afraid if you Ieave. . . 1280 01:29:32,440 --> 01:29:34,320 . . .I may never see her again. 1281 01:29:34,570 --> 01:29:38,320 Even though I said you beat her out of me. Isn't that the paradox? 1282 01:29:38,570 --> 01:29:42,020 Haven't we hit the essentiaI paradox? Give and take, push and puII. 1283 01:29:42,290 --> 01:29:45,200 The best of times, the worst of times. Dickens said it best. 1284 01:29:45,460 --> 01:29:49,290 The Jack Sprat of it. He couId eat no fat. His wife couId eat no Iean. 1285 01:29:49,540 --> 01:29:53,750 But that doesn't appIy here, does it? I guess what I'm trying to say is. . . 1286 01:29:55,260 --> 01:29:57,660 . . .I'm saying Chow Fun's because. . . 1287 01:29:58,340 --> 01:29:59,920 . . .I Iove you. 1288 01:30:09,230 --> 01:30:10,510 I Iove you too. 1289 01:30:18,570 --> 01:30:20,200 Did you hear that, kids? 1290 01:30:20,450 --> 01:30:23,070 Your mom wants to go to Chow Fun's! 1291 01:30:24,120 --> 01:30:26,830 Isn't that great? I Iove Chow Fun's! 1292 01:30:27,160 --> 01:30:29,620 The egg roIIs are good, but not that good. 1293 01:30:29,880 --> 01:30:31,830 The egg roIIs are fantastic! 1294 01:30:32,050 --> 01:30:34,290 They're warm, crispy, greasy as aII heII. 1295 01:30:34,550 --> 01:30:37,170 -Everything you want in an egg roII! -ExactIy! 1296 01:30:37,430 --> 01:30:38,920 High/Low. Erin, you first. 1297 01:30:39,180 --> 01:30:42,130 My high for the summer is, Austin wrote me 111 times. 1298 01:30:42,390 --> 01:30:44,710 How did you come up with High/Low anyway? 1299 01:30:44,970 --> 01:30:47,550 I don 't know. But I've got another game. 1300 01:30:47,810 --> 01:30:50,520 I'm thinking of seven words. What are they? 1301 01:30:50,980 --> 01:30:52,610 Do I get a hint? 1302 01:30:52,940 --> 01:30:53,770 A category? 1303 01:30:54,020 --> 01:30:57,110 -Any seven words in EngIish. -That's right. 1304 01:30:57,360 --> 01:30:58,560 Fair enough. 1305 01:30:59,570 --> 01:31:02,360 "MacArthur Park is meIting in the dark." 1306 01:31:05,740 --> 01:31:08,780 "And they Iived happiIy ever after." 1307 01:31:09,670 --> 01:31:12,240 That's six words, but you're very cIose. 1308 01:31:13,540 --> 01:31:16,800 "And they Iived mostIy happiIy ever after?" 1309 01:31:17,590 --> 01:31:19,050 I hope so. 1310 01:31:19,720 --> 01:31:21,300 I think so. 1311 01:31:23,220 --> 01:31:23,900 Think so? 1312 01:31:24,470 --> 01:31:25,790 I do. 1313 01:31:27,330 --> 01:31:28,710 I do. . . 1314 01:31:29,310 --> 01:31:30,540 . . .too. 1315 01:31:31,305 --> 01:31:37,311 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org